


It's In The Eyes

by City_L1ghts



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Love Stories, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-08-02 22:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16313711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/City_L1ghts/pseuds/City_L1ghts
Summary: There can't be a reality where Byul doesn't love Yongsun and she's almost sure she loves her back. But life's never that easy.---"I... I can't do this without you." Yongsun murmurs.Byul looks down at her lap, as if suddenly embarrassed. "I'm not going anywhere." She whispers.Non-AU story.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I initially put the story up on AFF, but I feel like I use AO3 so much more... so... I'll have it up both.  
> Story from their trainee days forward, it starts slow but it picks up?? I took a lot from the stories they tell in interviews and whatnot but really the rest is all fictional! It's too much for my obsessive imagination. Hope someone enjoys this.

It was hot. Not just a little hair sticking to your neck or sweat through your clothes in uncomfortable places, it was the kind where you think you might actually pass out. There was also the exhaustion, and the summer heat didn’t help. They really needed to ventilate the practice rooms some more.

After about a month into the training program at RBW, exhaustion didn’t begin to cover it. Yongsun spent months carrying out rigorous exercise regimes and diets. Then there were the long hours of practice in preparation for her audition. And as a trainee, the pressure only continued to build. It was always a fucking competition.

A competition for beauty, for vocals, for choreography.

It gets tiring.

Doubt. It’s a scary thing. If you don’t watch it, it encompasses you, like a fog and then suddenly the vision’s gone and you don’t know what you were trying so hard to find anymore. Failure was not a foreign concept; it came with being in the industry. She also knew it didn’t mean that she didn’t have it in her to make it. That’s what gets her through. The talent didn’t hurt.

It drained her though, the constant criticism, the fear of the unknown, but she had determination. That she didn’t lack, so much that it even surprises her at times.

Eventually it happens, she gets there, she was going to be a part of RBW’s girl group. It wasn’t a big-shot company with an avid following already but it still meant something. The company saw something in her and she likes what their CEOs stands for.

Not everything in the industry shone as brightly as it seems in the spotlight. It’s all politics and power plays, distastefully patriarchal more often than she’d like. It felt a little different this time though. She needed to feel like all her work was worth something, terrified that she would amount to nothing. She wanted to make music that spoke to her, something that shows a piece of her. She believed in the art of it even amongst all the focus on business models, money and fame.

She needed this to work.

She needed to prove she could do it. For her family. For herself.

To tell them she wasn’t wrong in convincing them to let her take this plunge into the deep end.

She could only gasp as she sat wide-eyed staring at the CEO when he told her the news. This didn’t mean she was out of the water yet, but being a part of this group…it’s a start.

 

//

 

The practice room fills with a gentle melody from the piano, Yongsun’s body swaying with the movements of her hand. Her voice sings clearly over the music, dropping to slower progressions from time to time, the tone embracing deep emotions before returning to a gentle melody again.

“You’re… really good you know.” Wheein says leaning casually against the piano. “I mean, there’s probably a good chance we can actually make it.”

She looks down at Yongsun still lost in her music, playing around with the different tunes, and flicks her lightly on the forehead, snapping her out of her trance. “Unnie. Did you even hear me?”

Yongsun lets out an embarrassed chuckle and gives Wheein a nod of appreciation. “Yeah.. I guess. We’re good together, with Hyejin too.” She pauses, looking up at Wheein, her face blushing, showing slight discomfort, the way she always does when receiving compliments.

Her thoughts drift to other things as Wheein smiles in agreement. “Do you know the new trainee joining us? I’ve only ever met her briefly… Moon byulyi? And from what I remember—I… well, I don’t think we got off to a great start.”  

She recalls their first encounter and sighs, hoping she’s gotten past Moonbyul’s apparent rudeness when they met. They have to work well as a group. It wasn’t as if there was a choice in the matter.

Yongsun wasn’t usually annoyed, in fact, she likes to think of herself as easy-going, sometimes finding herself trying too hard to please other people. It irked her when she had felt so irritated before. What was it about her that made it so? Her eyes follow Wheein strolling across the room, waiting for her to reply.

“Byulyi-unnie? Yeah, met her at the last agency I was at before. Something happened? She seems pretty cool. We were supposed to be in the same group then too. Funny how things work out.” Wheein says, craning her head over her shoulder as she crouches on the floor packing her bag.

“Nothing really…just borrowed my shoes and didn’t return them. Long story. She was just– she’s younger than me right?”

“Yeah. Think so? Well we’re meeting her officially tomorrow as part of our group so maybe you can just meet her again. You’re stuck with her whether you like it or not.” Wheein laughs half-heartedly and begins to walk towards the door.

“Okay, I’m heading out. Don’t worry about Byulyi-unnie, you guys probably got off on the wrong foot.” She turns her head as she reaches for the handle, swinging her bag over her shoulder. “Oh and we’ll practice our duet for this month’s evaluation next week?”

“Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow.” Yongsun gives her a little wave and hopes that Wheein’s right.

“Don’t dwell. I know you dwell. It’ll be fine!” Wheein says knowingly as she walks through the door. 

Yongsun wasn’t dwelling. She just really hopes their team dynamic will be great. Moonbyul was quite the character. Who returns borrowed shoes like that? What if they hate each other? Damn it. No dwelling. Shaking the thoughts out of her head, she shrugs her shoulders back, fingers gliding delicately over the keys as she regains her focus again.

 

//

 

Music is scattered all over the table with a cluster of highlighters on top. Yongsun downs the rest of her coffee quickly, gathers the papers in her hand and swipes her phone off the chair.

Shit.

She’s late.

Again.

She’s pretty sure that if she’s late one more time, Wheein might actually pull some of her hair out. She feels her phone vibrate in her hand and steals a quick glance at the screen as she gets up.

Wheein: Unnie.. where are you??? Why is everyone late. I thought we were all going to meet before the big meeting??

A couple minutes later: Ahh whatever, I’m just going to head to Kim Do Hoon CEO’s office.

Well, at least she’s not the only one late. Pulling the door open from the practice room, she walks out into the hallway and slams into another person before she gets a chance to lift her head to look.

Ouff.

She manages to retain all the papers in her hand. Immediately stepping back, she juggles the phone slipping out of her only free hand, barely catching it before it falls.

“Ah. Sorry!” She bows her head slightly to greet the person. “Oh.. Hi. I guess we were both late.” She laughs nervously, cautiously gauging Moonbyul’s reaction. It’s been a while since they’ve talked.

Let’s just say interaction isn’t her thing in general– she struggles to find what to say – awkwardly laughing again to hide her lack her grace, which didn’t help.

Moonbyul chuckles in response, raising a curious eyebrow and mirroring Yongsun’s bow, before craning her head in the direction down the hall briefly.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it. You woke me up right in time for the meeting. Let’s go, wouldn’t want to be late for the official meeting of our group.” Yongsun just looks at Moonbyul, studying the laid-back, almost nonchalant persona.

If she’s like this at 7am in the morning, perhaps it was just a misunderstanding the first time they met, maybe this girl is always …just carefree.

Moonbyul gives her a grin, an underlying acknowledgement that she’s excited to meet her members of the new girl group. She catches Yongsun’s pause in movement and reaches over to grab her wrist, tugging her lightly forward and surprising Yongsun a little.

“At this rate, CEO’s going to disband us before we even meet.” Moonbyul laughs.

“Right.. Yeah. We should hurry.” Yongsun murmurs as Moonbyul pulls her down the hallway.

 

//

 

The meeting had carried on much longer than they anticipated, and at this point, all four of them are struggling to pay attention, only pretending to nod at the right times as the CEO gives them another talk on marketing plans for their image.

Moonbyul sneaks a glance at her three other members and shifts her chair intentionally to make a noise, pulling them all of them out of the stupor they had fallen in.

They had all entered the meeting high on energy, excited to discuss roles and plans for a future they had anticipated for the most part of five years. The staff put a lot of ideas out there and the group couldn’t be more excited whenever they got to throw in an input. Though none of this really meant anything until the moment they debut, groups come and go, members get thrown out, members quit, it took all the stars to align for things to work out.

The excitement drifted to an anxious jitter as they each found numerous new tasks to complete and things they never expected to do. This was exponentially true for Moonbyul, her face desperately trying to mask the what the fuck in her reaction when the CEO suggested experimenting with her as the rapper of the group. She had only ever trained and auditioned vocally, and this venture into the unknown was terrifying given the circumstances and pressure on them to do well.

She had zoned out of the conversation, anxious that it was because she wasn’t good enough. Did this mean she would never make it as a vocalist? Rapping was something she attempted in cramped, stuffy karaoke rooms with friends on a weekend. With the exception of a couple evaluations here and there, no one important has really seen her rap at all. It wasn’t something she could possibly do professionally. Was it? Moonbyul sits staring at a stray hair on the CEO’s head as she tries to imagine herself rapping her emotions the same way she had always sang them.

There are breaths of relief when they see the CEO beginning to stack his papers up and push his chair back to bid them an end to the meeting. Their manager and two other staff members follow suit and the four of them lag behind, stretching their necks as they shuffle out the room.

The four of them head to the practice room together to grab their belongings still trying to wake up after the lull of the meeting.

“That was exceptionally long.” Moonbyul states with an exaggerated straight face, her fingers massaging the back of her neck to emphasize her point.

“I know.” Wheein murmurs. “Seems our schedule’s going to fill itself up the coming year, but it’ll be amazing. It has to be.” She says this with a certainty that somehow calms the nerves in the room.

The four of them disperse into the room to gather their things to leave. Wheein and Hyejin chat comfortably in the corner as they pull their jackets on. Wheein retells some story she heard on the radio and Hwasa lets out a loud cackle, shoving Wheein lightly on the shoulder as she laughs at the story.

 

//

 

A little later in the day Byul strolls down the hallway at the company, pulling at the strap of her backpack hanging off on shoulder. She had just met with the CEO briefly to go over her schedule with the added sessions for rapping and writing. Honestly, she thought it all a tad ridiculous.  How was she supposed to learn the art of rapping in a three-month process? She scoffs again as she entertains the image of herself earlier in the meeting running over a couple of songs so they could gauge her style.

The RBW company had a series of glass and wooded walls, patterned with blurred tape and lettering. Byul glances as she passes the glass, peering into several of the practice rooms in her peripheral vision as she walks. She spots Yongsun dancing in front of the large mirror, clearly oblivious to anything else in the world, immersed in whatever she was doing, oddly attractive to Byul with her look of determination.

She inches the door forward and peeks her head in, a little hesitate to make an appearance still. Eventually she gives up and steps inside, waving in an attempt to catch her attention.

“Hey.” Byul says as Yongsun sees Byul’s reflection in the camera and locks eyes with her through the mirror.

“Hey!” Yongsun turns, a little out of breath as she walks over to stop her music.

“Still practicing?”

“Yeah. What time is it? God I think I’ve been here for a while now.”

Byul notices the strands of hairs that stick to Yongsun’s forehead and cheeks. She had her hair up in a ponytail, sporting a white tank and dark leggings. It clearly looks like Yongsun’s been working for a while at it.

Byul chuckles. “It would seem so…”

It was awkward. What do you say to your newly re-introduced group member? Byul’s heard about Yongsun, whether that’s through Wheein or some of her other trainee friends. She knew she was quiet, maybe a little introverted but talented nonetheless. Why did she come in here? Moonbyul leans her back against the mirror that spans an entire wall. If there’s going to be a time to get to know Yongsun, now would as good a time as any. She was usually pretty comfortable with idle conversation, humour came naturally and it was easy for her to make friends. Yet, she struggles to find a topic, especially with Yongsun looking at her like that, with a wide-eyed curiosity, almost as if waiting for Moonbyul to explain her unspoken invitation into the practice room. Moonbyul runs her fingers through the ends of her hair and fiddles with the buckle on her watch.  

“Did you prep for this week’s evaluation? Maybe you can show me what you’re doing.” Moonbyul blurts out.

She was curious to see what Yongsun performed like, and she was desperate to get the awkward silence out of the way. She has to admit being alone with Yongsun makes her a little nervous. Perhaps it’s that giggle that slips out from Yongsun, more often slightly inappropriate than not. But it’s probably all the anxious excitement with talk about their training that spanned the entire day. It’s the expectation and anticipation and essentially placing all your eggs in one fragile basket.

She studies Yongsun’s expression, looking for surprise or maybe hesitation, but instead Yongsun just places her phone down on top of her bag and walks over to her. Looking at Moonbyul she tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and bends down on the floor to work the speaker.

“I have this duet with Wheein we were planning already but I know I want to do a dance too. I mean not with the duet. Just a dance for me. You want to see what I have so far?” Yongsun asks.

“Yeah… cool.” Moonbyul was surprised by a blunt confidence in her statement, perhaps even in awe at how it didn’t really seem arrogant coming from Yongsun.

“I picked an R & B song.”

“Do you dance a lot?”

“Well no, not really. I dance because I like it and for being a trainee but it’s never been my forte.”

“I think you’re just trying to lower my expectations before I see it.” Moonbyul laughs and Yongsun looks up from scrolling through the speaker and smiles back.

“You can judge it now then.”

“Okay, I guess I will. Play the song.” Moonbyul looks at her with a playful glint in her eyes.

Yongsun sets her phone down next to the speaker, about to tap play when she looks up again at Moonbyul.

“I guess you’re going to have to rap this week right? You ok with that?”

A flash of irritation flares in Moonbyul, silencing a moment in the conversation. She couldn’t really tell where the anger stemmed from.

“I guess I have to be.”

It wasn’t really fair.

It almost feels like her chance to debut depended on whether she’d be ok being a rapper. She knows the other members are insanely talented as vocalists. She knew that much just hearing about it from other trainees and she’s heard Wheein sing before. It somehow feels like she isn’t enough anymore. It wasn’t like she was ever sure that she would make it in the industry; no one is ever sure. She thought that perhaps someone would see something special about her, it never crossed her mind that would rapping.

Moonbyul just looks at Yongsun, trying to read her reaction, waiting for her to respond, or to just start dancing. She couldn’t read her.

“You’ll be good at it.” Yongsun says.

Moonbyul throws her an incredulous look. She didn’t need a superficial compliment.

“You’re nervous.” Yongsun’s tone floats between a question and a statement.

Moonbyul frowns at her, holding back an eye-roll in irritation. “That would be an understatement. I don’t’ rap.”

“No. Really. I’m assuming you never planned to be one from that reaction but you don’t have to start everything being amazing at it.”

Yongsun’s expression softens, a sudden shyness encompassing her features. “Practice with me. If you ever need to, I mean, I’ll just listen. You’ll be good at it. Our CEO knows what he’s doing and he saw something, I know that means something.”

Moonbyul stares at her a little. She was never someone to wear her emotions on her face. She’s surprised Yongsun sees that in her. She feared no one saw anything worth investing in her. It bothered her, she didn’t like that vulnerability.

Realizing she’s just standing there, Moonbyul nods in agreement. She didn’t know what to say.  

“Right.” Yongsun seems content even with the lack in response, somehow sensing her words got through.

Moonbyul takes a couple steps back to lean against the wall close by the speakers, shaking off the moment earlier. She raises her eyebrows mockingly. “Okay. Show me what you got.”

The music choice was great, with just enough beat and a groove to it. Moonbyul couldn’t help but laugh though. It was the hair flicking, and the dramatic pause before twisting her body in a 360 and definitely the body waves and eye smouldering into the mirror. It wasn’t exactly ridiculous, and it certainly still comes across sexy, it just made her laugh too. She was a born entertainer.

“Yeah!” Moonbyul cheers with playful encouragement, when she realizes Yongsun was just improvising a series of random poses. Yongsun turns and gives a playful bow.

“It’s good isn’t it.” Yongsun’s grinning.

“Well. Sorry to tell you this, but it needs work.” Moonbyul tries to keep a straight face, knowing her reaction during the whole thing gave her away.

“I actually only choreographed the first 30 seconds.”

“Yeah. I figured. You should put a cartwheel at the end.” She motions with her hand sarcastically. They both laugh.

“No I was thinking like this.” Yongsun crosses and twists her arms back around to make a heart, and they proceed to exchange ridiculous poses back and forth.

“Now you do a dance.” Yongsun gives her a little push towards the back of the room. Moonbyul’s still laughing as she strides over to the speakers to pick her song.

Maybe it won’t be so hard being her friend.

A good hour later, they’re both getting ready to leave the building, a little surprised at how easy it was spending time practicing together.

“Wheein asked if I wanted to join her and Hyejin for dinner earlier, would you like to come?”

Yongsun looks back at her and smiles and nods. It all felt so natural.

 

//

 

Moonbyul braces her shoulder against the door, pushing it open with her body and sliding into the restaurant. The instant aroma of barbeque meats and chatter of a full house fills her senses and she groans.

“I’m starving.”

“Do you see them?” Yongsun says, trailing behind her as they weave around tables.

“Nope, and of course we’re late.”

“I think Wheein expects this of us at this point.”

They spot Hyejin around the corner and wave. Wheein turns around in response and smiles.

“Does time not exist? I thought at least meeting for food would provide some motivation.” She says jokingly.

“Well… we kind of got carried away practicing for the evaluation coming up.” Yongsun explains. She pulls the chair out next to Wheein as Moonbyul slides into the cushion seats against the wall by Hyejin.

“It doesn’t matter. Order the food.” Hyejin says, shoving a menu into their hands. “So, what do you guys like to eat?”

They end up with two styles of chicken and beef and series of small dishes. Turns out Yongsun and Moonbyul like the same food, and as they all banter about which kinds of meat they like most, they feel the easy-going dynamic of the group flow comfortably. They find out Wheein and Hyejin have known each other the better half of their lives moving from Jeonju together and they share their stories leading them up to this point. Their audition stories, their failures, their successes and people they’ve met along the way. It eases a nervousness that they didn’t even know had been there since the meeting earlier that day and they lie back into their chairs as they eat and build the kind of friendships that they know will last a while.

Eventually they realise they’ve outstayed most of the other customers, the staff moving around to clear up the remaining tables and to get ready to close. They had been chatting the last couple of hours, ordering drinks and getting to know each other. It took them all by surprise how easy it was to talk, and how there was no layer of superficiality that danced around small talk and polite exchanges. Once a little alcohol started to course their systems, Moonbyul started to let lose a little more, calling Hyejin “Hyejin-ie” by the end of the night and draping her arms around her shoulders when they laughed about an embarrassing moment or hilarious encounter.

Moonbyul could feel the others warm up towards her, her usual charm getting the conversation to flow. She kept glancing across the table at Yongsun, glad to see her laughing and less awkward than this morning. She couldn’t help but keep smiling at how intolerable Yongsun is towards alcohol, a red flush shading her cheeks and eyelids. Yongsun would get a little flustered every time they teased her about something she did and blush a little whenever Wheein or Hyejin complimented her skills. She spent a good portion of the night developing a method to watch her without seemingly staring the whole time. Something about her just made her want to look. She’s really pretty.

Moonbyul downs the rest of her beer and starts to grab her bag and jacket bunched up at the corner of the booth.

“Let’s head out yeah? The staff’s starting to glare at us.” She chuckles.

Wheein nods in agreement and she gathers her things to leave. Hyejin and her head out to the counter and pays, while Yongsun appears a little more out of it than she thought. Yongsun takes a step backwards as she loses her balance getting up from the chair and Moonbyul reflexively reaches out to grab her arm to steady her.

“Haha. You alright? You really can’t drink anything can you?”

“Yeah. I told you guys this before we ordered it!” Yongsun flails her other arm about in exclamation.

“I guess you did. Okay. Here, sit. I’ll grab your bill too, just put your jacket on. You can do that much right?” Moonbyul teases.

“I’m fine. Totally functional. I swear.” Yongsun rolls her eyes and reaches behind her chair to slowly wrap her jacket around herself.

“Just stay.” Moonbyul gently pushes her back into the chair and walks over to pay for the two of them.

They all huddle once they exit the restaurant, the evening chill a little colder than usual. Hyejin seems to enjoy it, her jacket open and fluttering with the breeze. Moonbyul reaches for her phone from her back pocket.

“Let’s add each other on Kakao.” They all hum in agreement and pull out their phones. “Let me know when you guys get home safe! I’ll get Yongsun-unnie home.”

Yongsun looks up from her phone at Moonbyul a little confused.

“Okay. Thanks for coming unnies.” Wheein says to them. Hyejin waves in parting as she threads her arm around Wheein’s and they cross the street for the bus.

“I’m ok, just lost my balance a little back there. You don’t have to take me back. I’m supposed to be the unnie.” Yongsun appears coherent again, part of the cold air clearing her mind a little. “I can walk a straight line. Watch.”

She extends her arms out and places one foot in front of another walking several steps ahead of Moonbyul. She turns around and smiles at her.

“See. And I remember where I live.” She jokes. “I’ll just message you when I get back.”

Moonbyul watches Yongsun as she attempts to persuade her, unable to form any valid reason for her to take Yongsun home. So she just smiles and nods back.

“Ok… Yeah. I guess you seem decent enough.” She says. She waves her phone at Yongsun. “Don’t forget to message!”

Moonbyul watches Yongsun continue to walk, Yongsun swivels her head back towards her waving her goodbye. She stands there another second. That girl was definitely not sober. She doesn’t seem like she even drinks usually. Moonbyul turns the other direction to walk home anyways and takes another glance back.

And then another glance.

Fuck it.

Moonbyul runs past the restaurant and catches up to her by a traffic light. Yongsun turns as Moonbyul walks into her peripheral vision and widens her eyes a little in surprise.

“Uh… you live this way too?” She asks.

“No. Just… uh… I just thought I should see you home anyways.”

Damn, why did she need to walk her home again?

Yeah. She wanted to be a good friend.

“I mean alcohols not really your thing. And you sure you don’t feel like you’re still floating a little?”

She jokes a little to lighten the mood. Yongsun smiles gently in response and shoves Moonbyul’s arm in retaliation.

“Caring and funny. Guess our group lucked out with having you as a member.” She says.

“Yup.” The “p” pops with the smack of her lips. “Born that way.”

“Modesty’s is also good by the way.” Yongsun shakes her head “But no really, thanks for coming. Though, pretty sure I can do maths right now. That’s highly functional in my book.” Her words still slur a little.

“Really? That’s how you define functional?” Moonbyul looks at her wide-eyed and teasing.

“Shut up and walk.” Yongsun pushes her ahead and laughs at Moonbyul stumbling forwards from the shove. Yongsun guesses she was wrong about her impression on Moonbyul before. Maybe it has something to do with that smile. The one that wrinkles her nose.

 

// 

 

Over the next year or so, they train like mad for performances, prepping their own arrangements and choreography. Their practice rooms and studios grow to be a second home, their members and staff becoming somewhat like a family. Sometimes they get a little too comfortable with one another. It gets stressful and in the late hours of the night someone usually snaps for one reason or another but eventually they learn to understand what works and doesn’t.

They fight, they play, they laugh and they love it.

They’re good at what they do and energy fills them when they perform. The make-up staff and managers more often than not run circles around them to get their synergistic hyperactivity under control.

But if it were always that easy then it wouldn’t be real. There’s pressure and there’s expectations, they know their CEO has a degree of reputation and the group he’s training and producing needs to live up the pedestal it’s been placed upon. How can you let go of worries that can never really go away? You can never really entirely prepare yourself for criticism, and once they debut for the public it’ll be a whole other story. People are vicious sometimes.

Sometimes the tension gets to them, especially Yongsun, being a leader for the group. She knows she isn’t perfect, but she tries to be there for her members, to make sure they’re improving and getting things done. She knows she can be a bit blunt with her words but she cares about them and she knows they know that.

It was a mid-point evaluation and Yongsun just tuned out for a maximum of 2 seconds, but that’s all it takes. You lose the beat, you lose the steps, then panic, then lose the train of thought and then it’s all just a big mess. Wheein took over a couple lines and Moonbyul changed her choreography to hide some of her mistakes. It wasn’t some trivial evaluation. They prepped for this for a while, so she berates herself for it, running over her thought process in the moment again and couldn’t for the life of her figure out why she would tune out during something like this. 

CEO told her to prepare more next time, that they needed to be ready if they were going to compete against the whirlwind of groups out there these days.

It ate at her.

The members laughed it off, recalling instances where they’ve messed up. These things happened, Yongsun knew it, but she also knew she was a perfectionist and it always bothered her more than she’d let on.

After they left the evaluation she stayed behind in the studio to practice some more, maybe she had let herself get too relaxed the last couple weeks. She needed to run through a couple new arrangements and harmonies for new songs and she needed to practice the keyboard parts for some of the arrangements. She was playing her parts on repeat, hashing out some of the riffs she struggled with, when there was knock on the practice room door and Moonbyul’s head popped out behind.

“Okay. I gave you three hours to practice even though you and I both know it’s not really necessary. I know the evaluation’s still bugging you.” The door was wide open now and she was leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed, displaying an empathetic look.

Yongsun swivelled around. “Oh. Hey.”

“We’re all human” Byul stressed that word, hoping that would give her message more meaning “we need food. Let’s go.” She whined.

“It’s ok. I’m not hungry, you go—” It never occurred to her why Byul stayed behind.

“Uh. No.” Moonbyul punctuated. She moved into the small practice room, padded with grey sound proof cushions, just big enough to fit an upright piano and a chair. She sat herself on the piano chair next to Yongsun, her hips collided against Yongsun’s, a gesture for her to move over a little. Yongsun didn’t move. A serious determination sets in her expression as she grabbed one Yongsun’s wrists gently.

“You know, we all take for granted that you’re our unnie, and we leave a lot of things up to you but you’re an unnie. You’re not a saint. You didn’t slack last week, you just forgot the lines. Plus, you’re too good and hardworking for any of things I know you’re thinking now to be true.”

Yongsun gave her a half-hearted smile and Moonbyul proceeded to help pack her things for her, collecting scattered papers and pens. She’s gotten used to the “organized” messes— as Yongsun calls them— that always seem to accumulate everywhere around her.

“Do you ever feel like... sometimes it gets too hard?” Yongsun paused after, surprised with the change in tone. Moonbyul looked at her waiting, knowing she was still trying to find the right words. A little afraid Yongsun meant it in a darker sense.

“I mean, what are you going to do if this doesn’t work?” Her expression was transparent, leaking a vulnerability she refuses to show people most of the time. It’s not like Byul hadn’t thought about this time and time again. Sometimes it feels like it’s not even worth worrying about something she has little to no power to control.

Moonbyul was still just looking at her. That’s the thing though. The looks say everything. The thing that surprised Yongsun more than anything in the past year was her friendship with Moonbyul. Perhaps it was Wheein and Hyejin’s pre-existing friendship that pushed the two of them to get closer. The four of them always hung out, but there was a bond between Wheein and Hyejin that the other two sometimes didn’t get.

Yongsun felt drawn to Moonbyul, not only because Moonbyul actually turns out to be a huge flirt but because she’s actually ambitious and caring and Yongsun started to depend on her a lot more than she consciously knew. They’re both headstrong and motivated and yeah that got them fighting sometimes but they know how to work it out. Their moments together built something that Yongsun couldn’t really explain in words even if someone asked. Sometimes she’d look at Moonbyul and catch her looking at her in a way that made her stomach feel heavy and painful. They were really good friends. She’s glad she has this.

Moonbyul hand finds its way to Yongsun’s thigh, gently squeezing, her thumb grazing back and forth in an attempt to comfort.

“You just keep trying.” Moonbyul answers the question Yongsun so vulnerably leaked.

“You love this. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t work this time, which I highly doubt by the way, we’re really good.” Moonbyul laughed. “I think about it too. I know I still have a lot to learn rapping, but that’s just it. You try. You know, you told me the same thing last time I couldn’t write my lyrics. Could you see yourself doing anything else?”

“No…”

“See, there you have it. You’re hot, but somehow I feel like being a flight attendant isn’t your true calling.” Moonbyul smiled at her.

Yongsun laughed softly and a moment of silence filled the room before Yongsun looked into her eyes and muttered a quiet thanks. She was aware that Moonbyul’s hand was still gently placed over her thigh and decided to relish in the calm that flows with it. They stay quiet for a few more seconds.

“So. About that food, even if you’re not hungry, pity me. I am.” Moonbyul rose up, tugging at Yongsun’s arm as well.

“Yeah okay, but only because we need to prevent that hunger rage of yours.”


	2. Chapter 2

9 months later…

 

“The mics and ears working well for all of you?” The PD comes by again and checks the settings on the mics strapped to the back of their dresses.

“Yeah.” They murmured in unison.

“We’re wrapping up the last performance. When the lights go off on the panel there, you’re good to head out on stage.”

They nod again in response. They had been waiting backstage in the hallways for the last hour and the nerves were starting to eat at all of them. After years of training, they’ve reached an end and a beginning: their debut. They couldn’t put together in words what they were feeling.

Proud? Exhilarated? Anxious? It didn’t even begin to cover it. It almost feels like they’ve been waiting too long, restless to finally get the moment they’ve been anticipating. Their training years have consumed their lives, making this one moment the pinnacle of all their work.

“Ok. Let’s do this guys. Don’t lose the moustaches. We got this.” Yongsun says as lightheartedly as she could. They give her playful looks of anticipation, and Wheein cackles lightly at the face Moonbyul makes.

Yongsun wet her lips again and tugs on the bottom of her skirt. The funny thing about nerves was that it almost always came with an adrenaline she fed on, it’s what she lived for. Wheein and Hyejin are standing around taking deep breaths and Moonbyul takes little sips from her water bottle. They were all visibly nervous but it’s alright, they were born for this. Just don’t fuck up.

The lights were shades of orange and yellow, illuminating the four of them as they strutted onto the stage. Their heels clicked on the stairs up to the glossy floor, aggravating the nervous clench in their stomachs.

Yongsun struggles to breathe. Shit. It was just so bright and her throat tightens.

She couldn’t see the audience, which was good, because if she saw everyone’s eyes, watching in anticipation, or worse, seeing barely an audience, she would just stop breathing altogether.

Yongsun feels a squeeze in her left hand, and turns ever so slightly to see Moonbyul wink and give her nod as she steps onto edge of stage from the stairs. She looks back and grins at Moonbyul, reciprocating her nod. She takes a deep breath, the sides of her lips twitching upwards as she holds back a smile and finally embraces the feeling of being on stage.

 

//

 

“Good job girls. It went well.” CEO Kim Do Hoon and 2 other PDs stood offstage with them after they walk off.

“Breath. It was ok. Granted there are things to work on but good. We’ll run over things at the meeting tomorrow so you guys will be off after the fitting and interview backstage today.”

They were all smiling now, still high off the adrenaline on stage. They nod towards the CEO and murmur a thank you to the staff, heading off to the backstage hallways.

“You said don’t drop the moustache then proceeded to drop your own damn moustache?” Moonbyul teases as they walk down the corridors by the dressing rooms. 

Yongsun puts her hands in her face. “Ugh. I know. It just slipped off. I tried to kick it away” She whines and Wheein laughs in response.

“I know. Mine of slipping too but I think all the nervous sweating kept it on, who knew I sweat from my fingers.” Wheein jokes.

“I almost laughed when I saw you kick it away.” Moonbyul laughs.

“Shit, I didn’t even see it happen. Y’all like stealthy ninjas.” Hyejin says.

“Apparently not ninja enough…” Yongsun mutters.

They rush off to get to some of the backstage interviews done with manager unnie leading them to greet a series of different people. It wasn’t one of their first interviews but there was still a degree of anticipation with it since they were rookies. It feels amazing though. To finally feel like they’re starting their careers, that people would finally see all the work they had put in.

 

//

 

“I’m starving!” Moonbyul whines loudly from inside her room. “It smells amazing, what the hell are you making?”

“What?? I can’t hear you from in there. Stop yelling.” Yongsun yells back as she stirs the soup another time before moving to plate her rice and side dishes. Moonbyul gets up and trudges out into the kitchen area, smoothing out her bed head since Yongsun woke her up not too long ago.

“Did Hyejin leave to record? Wait. Unnie, I thought you were doing that diet?” She stops and inhales deeply as she passes a plate of noodles. “Oh. my god. Can I have some?”

“Yeah, She’s doing her parts today, I’m going in later. And yeah…It’s for you. You said you were hungry, so… eat.”

“Oh wow. Okay… not going to refuse that.” Moonbyul is already grabbing a spoon and pulling out a chair. “Have I mentioned how much I love you? You’re really not having any?”

Yongsun does a double take from the kitchen. “What? No…I can’t. Ugh. This diet sucks, why did I think this was a good idea?”

Moonbyul gets up to grab a drink. “I have no idea. Is this about the cheek fat again? It’s cute. Keep it.” She gives her a playful grin and pokes her on the cheek.

“No, it’s more of an everything fat.”

“Is the company telling you to?” She asks guardedly, moving to rest her chin on Yongsun’s shoulder whilst she cleans up at the stove.

“No… I just thought I’d get ahead of the game you know, before promotions for our new songs come around again.”

Moonbyul laughs and proceeds to plop herself back down to eat. “Just eat then. You’re not fat.”

“You’re my friend. Your opinion’s biased.” She states matter-of-factly, throwing her a look as she pulls a chair out for herself.

“It’s the truth. You’re pretty.” Moonbyul winks and swipes a finger under Yongsun’s chin at the same time.

Yongsun’s eyes widen a little. It’s gone in less than a second.

“Ugh. You make me cringe. Stop doing your flirt thing.” Yongsun is sitting next to her with her knees pulled up on the chair to her chest.

“Shut up. You love it.” Moonbyul grins a wide cheeky grin, winking again for good measure.

Yongsun does an exaggerated eye-roll and they sit in a peaceful silence as Moonbyul starts eating.

“You’re eating so slow… put some of the other stuff on— here just give it to me.” Yongsun mutters. She sighs exasperatedly and holds out a hand for the spoon. Moonbyul looks up and laughs again.

“Knew you’d cave, here.”

She hands her the spoon. Yongsun places some of all the side dishes on the spoon with some rice and turns to face Moonbyul with the spoon in hand. Moonbyul looks at her in surprise.

“What so you’re not eating it? You’re just going to…feed it to me?”

“Just let me do it. It’ll feel like I’m eating it.” Yongsun doesn’t really know what spurred this on, she had felt compelled to watch her eat well, perhaps that would take away some of her hunger?

“How exactly is this going to be like you’re eating it?”

“Just come here. Eat.”

Moonbyul chuckles as she leans in. “Whatever floats your boat, weirdo.”

She sees Yongsun pile food onto the spoon diligently and smiles at how this unnie could always find something that’d surprise her or make her laugh. Yongsun looks up, carefully balancing the food on the spoon and grinned at her before trying to stuff all the food on the spoon into Moonbyul’s mouth. Yongsun watches as Byul tries to hold everything in with her hand, she looks adorable, hair a little messy too after waking up. She leans forward to finger-comb down a few stray hairs on Byul’s head.

“I may have put a little too much on that one.”

“A little?” It comes out as nonsense, with Moonbyul’s cheeks puffed out, food barely held in the mouth.

Yongsun laughs. “And you say I’m cute.” She rolls her eyes. “Don’t choke.”

Moonbyul feels a tug somewhere deep in her as she hears Yongsun’s words. She’s really glad Yongsun’s staying here with Hyejin and her.

 

//

 

“Where is she?” Byul asks sitting cross-legged on the dance practice room floor. She looks up expectantly from the floor, her hand holding her phone in her lap from scrolling endlessly as they wait for Hyejin to get there.

“Late.” Wheein mumbles leaning against the mirror and takes a bite out of an apple. “Let’s do unnie’s and my part first. We can just add her in later. Plus, she texted me Almost there! ten minutes ago so… give or take another half hour?”

Yongsun groans from the piano chair. “She’s hopeless, this kid.”

Wheein just nods sympathetically in response, seemingly unfazed after all the years she’s had to grow accustom to it. Moonbyul pulls herself off the ground and grabs a pen from her bag. “Well… I’m going to go write lyrics next door then. I’ll come back for choreography later, maybe we can get everything done before manager unnie comes to pick us up for the event. If not Hyejin’s buying us dinner.”

Yongsun nods in agreement. “Meat! Hyejin can’t say no to meat.”

She waves them a casual good-bye with a pen in her hand as she walks out. It used to bug her that she had to go write lyrics by herself when the rest of the group worked on their harmonies and arrangement. It made her feel like she was lacking, left out. She’s gotten a feel to rapping now, the groove and cadences came a lot more naturally.

She likes it. It fits her, she feels a certain degree of power and exhilaration when she writes a good piece and performs it.

Back then, she was struggling to find her place in the group. Vocally she knew she couldn’t compete and they were a vocal group. Sometimes being the rapper felt like she stuck out in all the wrong ways. She knows she wouldn’t have gotten here without her members. Not without Wheein fervently convincing her she had something to be proud about. Not without Hyejin along her side, both of them creating a rapping style unique to themselves. And definitely not without the countless hours Yongsun spends, at the company and at home, helping her with flow and inspiration for lyrics. It became a thing that they mutually relied on when they were stuck in their heads, whenever either one would asked if they wanted to work on their songs, they knew they’d spend ages working on it into the late hours of the night, eventually exhausted and asleep on the bed.

She settles into one of the practice rooms by the dance studio and works on a couple lines. She has one earbud in, bouncing to the beat on loop, trying to find the find the words with the right fit. She eventually hears the three-part harmonies from the other room, knowing Hyejin managed to show her face at some point. She’s still going to give her shit for it, she’s late all the time, might as well guilt her into buying them all some food. And plus, they’re all carnivores.  

Moonbyul eventually returns next door to catch Yongsun belting the last note to Mr. ambiguous. Yongsun’s runs never fails to impress her no matter how many times she hears it. She feels the same smile of adoration tugging at her lips as she feels the emotions Yongsun embeds into her singing. Especially when Yongsun squeezes her eyes shut, hands waving, body bending over with the notes she carries.

She makes it seem so effortless to belt. So effortless to be amazing. She stares a little longer than necessary.

“Unnie! Let’s do a run over the new choreography. Apparently we’re getting dancers for the intro part so we’re going to have to come up with some transition moves.” Wheein cranes her head towards Moonbyul as she moves to the speakers to change the song, breaking Moonbyul out of her little stupor.

“Yeah, okay.” Moonbyul walks over and drapes her arms over Yongsun shoulders, leaning some of her weight on her. Her cheek rests against Yongsun’s hair and she feels Yongsun relax into her hold, one of her arms reaching up to hold onto Moonbyul’s wrist that was now resting across her chest.

“You smell nice.” Moonbyul nuzzles her nose into the hair around Yongsun’s neck and Yongsun hums in acknowledgement.

She doesn’t know when it started and even if she tried to remember it now she doesn’t think she can pinpoint when things changed. The touching. It was so natural, unconscious most of the time really. Working together, living together, even sleeping in bed together sometimes, it’s all just so easy. She didn’t even have to think about it. She was a touchy person. It wasn’t just Yongsun. She just saw Yongsun the most, that’s why.

“You finally decided to shower?” Moonbyul teases.

Yongsun laughs in response before mockingly acting offended. She pulls away from Moonbyul’s embrace and playfully smacks her on the shoulder repeatedly.

“I shower! I shower normally!” Yongsun all but yells at Byul.

There’s a reciprocating snicker as Byul feints defeat, shielding herself with her arms. Moonbyul reaches out for Yongsun’s arm again once Yongsun stops hitting her comically, pulling her close and resuming her previous position.

“So… what moves are we thinking about?” Moonbyul says to everyone.

“Nothing really? We’ve didn’t get to it yet.” Yongsun mutters.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll make up for the time we lost.” Hyejin says cheekily, knowing they probably would’ve gotten an extra thirty minutes if she was on time.

Yongsun raises her hands in defense. “I didn’t say anything this time.”

“No. You thought it.” Moonbyul adds by her ear. Her chuckling breath tickling Yongsun. She doesn’t see Yongsun close her eyes for just a second.

“Yeah, okay. That’s why I have some ideas.” Hyejin moves to stand in front of the mirror, letting Wheein know when to start the track and proceeds to show them a series of moves.

“How about this?” Hyejin asks in between moves. “Unnie, we need something for the last four bars before we enter.”

“Okay. Let’s try this.” Byul untangles herself from Yongsun and moves closer to Hyejin, mirroring some of Hyejin’s poses before changing it up a little.

The four of them manage to come to a consensus about the moves and run through their performances before their manager came. Then it was all get-up-and-go as the staff pulls the four of them in a hurry to make-up and wardrobe prepping for their event.

 

//

 

There’s this thing they’ve uncoordinatedly started to do on stage. Play. It came so naturally and the fans love it; it’s like they feed off the energy from the audience. So now it’s a thing, and they never run out of ideas because it’s what they do, and they’re so good at it.

At one of the meetings with the CEO, he told them they had a talent for performance, that they knew exactly how to rile up a crowd. He told them to play it up, that fan service always sells and he liked the image they were starting to garner. They all realized the way things were starting to flow, watching responses to v-lives and interviews.

They had chemistry. Especially Yongsun with Byul. It was undeniable, so it was only logical to capitalize on it.

Yongsun couldn’t decide if she hated it or loved it. It was fun. Sometimes. Byul is so openly flirty though. Frustration didn’t begin to cover it. Fuck, she couldn’t keep up with the girl. They were hosting so many festivals and events. That just means there are that many more stage antics opportunities. And then there were the interviews and channel videos, it’s hard to see where the line gets drawn for the camera and for her life.

“Shh…” Moonbyul slides her finger slowly off Yongsun’s lips and pulls herself almost flush against her body as she tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. It’s almost like they forget they’re still on stage. She speaks her line in Mr. Ambiguous lowly, tinged with a hint of sexual innuendo.

“Are you interested in me now?”

Moonbyul grins at Yongsun’s flustered expression which Yongsun quickly masks and follows with a loud “Yes!” as they had rehearsed. Obviously, she tells herself, it’s for fan-service. You’d think after the hundredth time they’ve run through the song she’d be over it.

It looks like a hobby for Byul. Finding ways to surprise and fluster her, to watch her reactions; the stage and the cameras were perfect for that. It’s so easy because the camera loves it and really because they both kind of love it.

She gets to hide behind the pretense that it’s all for fun. Sometimes that tug on her stomach tells her otherwise, but what else was she supposed to think?

 

//

 

The sun had set and the four of them are strolling along the beach after the event at the Busan festival and the subsequent feast of a dinner. It’s calming, the waves crashing so periodically, almost therapeutic.

Wheein is chatting away with their manager unnie, perhaps talking about one of the dramas she’s been catching up on. You wouldn’t miss her distinctive crackle of a laugh anywhere. Yongsun loves this moment. All of them seemingly carefree and content, and if she stares long enough into the sky she can make out the outline of the moon behind one of the clouds. She loves watching that moonlight try and make its way through the layers of clouds, hidden but not really so.

She strolls up to Byul, who’s starring down at her feet, watching the sand squish between her toes with her shoes hanging on two fingers, swaying slightly.

“It’s nice here isn’t it.” Yongsun weaves her arms around Byul’s free one. Byul hums in agreement and hovers her arm slightly higher in the air so Yongsun can wrap her body around it.

They stand in silence watching the waves roll up gently time and time again.

“You okay?” Yongsun murmurs quietly with her head tucked by Byul’s neck. She’s caught Byul zoning out a lot more recently.

“Yeah… Just… thinking.” Byul turns speaking into Yongsun’s hair, her chin resting on the older girl’s head. “I’m…glad we are where we are.”

It’s words of gratitude, about what the group has achieved, about all the work they’ve put in, about the members. They were meant to sound content, but Yongsun knows the tone. She’s stressed, or tired or worried about something. She pulls away needing to look in her eyes to be able to tell.

The look scares her. A look that is so intricately woven with pain and adoration at the same time; it takes her by surprise, and for just a short moment they both see something. She looks away, stares at the ocean some more. Why does it hurt?

“Yeah. I’m glad too.” Yongsun knows it’s a cop-out. She has a feeling she knows what it means but she doesn’t know what to do with that look. She really is a coward.

 

//

 

The window is cracked open; they were just getting over winter so the breeze wasn’t too cold. Yongsun sits cross-legged on her bed with her guitar tucked under arm, fingers strumming softly. She recently decided to pick it up. She wasn’t good, well not yet, but she learns fast. She’s been writing, nothing she wants to show-off but one day she will, maybe give it to CEO and make a different kind of mark in the industry.

She hears a clatter of keys on the counter and the tell-tale shuffle of a walk meaning Hyejin was back. Yongsun props her guitar against her bed and goes out. Their place is big enough for them to live comfortably and small enough to call cozy if you didn’t mind the fraying wallpaper and miscellaneous bugs that occasionally pay a visit. It was a typical college student life. Rooftop apartments, evening beers and chicken, late-night talks on the terrace, Wheein practically lived here too at this point.

Hyejin was stabbing pieces of fried chicken from a box onto the plate in the kitchen.

“Damn that smells good.”

Hyejin jumps, her chicken with a fork still stuck in it clattering on the plate. “Oh jeez. Please have some footsteps at least. You’re like a ghost.”

“You’re too focused on the chicken.”

“Chicken which you will not have if you talk like that.” Hyejin quips.

Yongsun waves theatrically at her body. “On a diet.”

Hyejin sighs. “Again? Just eat.”

“I eat!”

“One yam is not eating. Byul-yi unnie said you no longer have fat to lose.” Hyejin reaches out and pokes her hips. “She’s right.” 

Yongsun rolls her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah. I know. I will. But It’s what I do before promotions.” She reaches to put the half eaten box into the fridge. “Where’s Byul?”

“At the hair salon? Or maybe writing lyrics? Shouldn’t you know?”

“Why?”

“Aren’t you like attached to the hip these days?” Hyejin picks her plate up and strolls out onto the terrace of the rooftop, plants herself and her food on a set of plastic table and chairs.

Yongsun pours herself a cup of water and follows suit. “What do you mean? We all live together, work together, practice together. Kind of hard not to be attached.”

“Yeah. I guess.” Hyejin lets it go, not bothering to delve into the details. Instead she glances briefly around the terrace. “I’m going to miss living here when we move out.”

Yongsun sighs. “Yeah, me too. But seriously going to enjoy my own bathroom.”

It’s almost a year after their debut, they are garnering a good recognition, nothing too far from what the company expected. And with the stability of that, they were granted individual housing. Quite a luxury when there are three girls sharing a bathroom and schedules that have no degree of regularity. But it’s hard not to miss the rooftop.

“We’re also literally going to be less than 10 feet away. I think my place is directly above yours.”

Yongsun laughs. “True.”

In between anecdotes from their day, they sit in silence for a bit, catching pieces of street commotions: a horn blaring, the rumble of buses, music. They were content.

Byul slips in at some point, a clatter in the living room, and then opens a beer from the fridge and plops into a chair across from them.

“Like my hair?” She flicks her new dirty blond hair with a flair.

“Oh my god, blond, would not have recognized you.” Hyejin states.

Yongsun reaches and combs her fingers through, part analyzing the new look. “It looks good on you.”

Hyejin hums in agreement. “Real chic. I’m doing mine next week, maybe I’ll go light.”

“Oh yeah…for the comeback?” Yongsun asks already knowing the answer. “Is it going to feel like grass?” In other words, did you bleach it?

“Yup. But I look great.” Byul laughs and takes a gulp of the beer.

“It’s not that bad now. It suits you.” Yongsun murmurs rubbing the tips of Byul’s hair together.

Hyejin grabs her plate and gets up. “I’m going in. Going to shower.” She walks by Byul and ruffles her hair a little. Byul grins back at her affectionately, sometimes it feels like Hyejin’s more of an unnie.

“Night, Hyejin.” Yongsun voice trails as Hyejin leaves, and then stretches her limbs on the chair, sporting a yawn at the same time.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll call it too. Long day.” Byul pouts. “Those salon chairs give me back aches.” She pats Yongsun’s arm as she stands up.

Yongsun grabs her wrist, looks up at Byul. “Stay? Just a little longer, we’re moving in a couple months. I want to enjoy it while we can.”

She wanted the serenity of the night to last a little longer, before she gets back to work and practice and life. And maybe she felt like she let Byul down, when she ignored whatever that was back at the beach. To be frank, that wasn’t the first time Byul looked like that. Sad? It wasn’t just that.

Yongsun feels like she owes Byul something. But why? Owe what? Nothing’s changed. They didn’t fight, they work, they hang out normally, but it’s weird.

Byul looks down, her face beginning to say the words: I’m really tired, maybe tomorrow? Yongsun grips a little harder before letting go.

Guilt. Rejection.

It’s dumb. She was asking a friend to sit with her on a terrace, where the fuck does rejection come from?

Then Byul sits down anyways.

“Yeah. Okay, just a bit.” She pulls a plastic chair up next to Yongsun and half sits half lays down with her head resting against the back of the chair, eyes unfocused, staring up at the sky.

Byul turns her head towards her, still resting against the chair, the corners of her lips lifting slightly for a smile. “This is nice. I like the terrace.” But her eyes don’t really say the same thing.

“Yeah I’ll miss this.” Yongsun murmurs, turning away again, those eyes were too much. It’s like they keep doing the same thing again and again.

 

//

 

It’s a birthday celebration for Wheein, they are doing it a little later than usual but at some point during their trainee days it became a tradition for all of them to have dinner together and just have fun for a night for anyone one of their birthdays.

Earlier in the night, Wheein had ordered 2 rounds of drinks, roping in Byul to drink with her knowing they both had the tolerance for it. It was an entertaining night, Byul was trying to explain falling behind on her to-do list, telling Wheein that her present was still shipping, whilst everyone else gave their presents to Wheein. Yongsun takes another sip out of her drink and Wheein turns to her in response.

“Unnie, I thought you were done already.” She giggles, the alcohol running through her system, warming her and making her a little giddy. “You’re all red.” She says, poking at Yongsun’s flushes cheeks.

“Not as done as you apparently.” Yongsun chuckles. Byul and Wheein may have had a little too much fun with the celebration of the night.

“I think it’s about time to go.” Hyejin concludes, casting a look at their manager unnie sitting by them and then at the two slowly unravelling drunks at the table.

They are all smiling from the excitement of the night. Byul is still joking around with Wheein, spinning her snapback in different directions on her head, as they pack up to pay and leave.

Moonbyul drapes herself over the latter half of Yongsun’s body as they exit the restaurant. Wheein had ran in a hype of excitement down the street, galloping away singing and dancing before rushing back up the street towards them. Yongsun glances in Hyejin’s direction behind them.

“Thank god you decided to take it easy tonight.” Yongsun mutters to her maknae. “I mean I’ll give it to her, since it’s her birthday and that appetizer thing she got was out of the world but we have a schedule tomorrow.” She grimaces, thinking about having to set her alarm for seven in the morning, given that they were still dawdling the night streets.

Yongsun shifts her body to grab a better hold on Byul’s waist.

“Unnie, you’re so warm.” Byul words slur and she nuzzles her nose into the crook of Yongsun’s neck. With the little bit of alcohol coursing through her system Yongsun feels free and loose, and in a reflex movement she pulls Byul closer and feels herself tremble when Byul takes a deep breath against her neck, her lips grazing the skin lightly.

It makes her feel weird. It’s really warm.

She hates it when Byul gets drunk. She always gets like this. She gets flirtier than normal and she teases her, bold in her gestures and playful advances. It’s like those stupid fan-service things they do on stage. They’re close friends, but recently it feels more and more like it’s a game for Byul. Why is she doing this? Is she playing with her?

Yongsun feels weird so she hates it, and also because she can’t control it.

Byul’s touches change, not that it appears different to everyone else, but there’s an underlying current to it.

Is there an innuendo?

Why does she keep touching her thigh?

Everything feels so different. She can usually ignore it, but it’s been driving Yongsun insane the latter half of the night, a mix irritation and warmth. Why is she so fucking warm?

She shivers again when Byul gives her a quick kiss against her neck, takes another shaky inhale of a breath, unable to comprehend the tightening heaviness that stems from the bottom of her stomach. Yongsun’s hair cascades down beside Byul’s head, hiding Byul’s face away from the rest of the world. She pulls Byul up hastily in response, flustered and a little confused. The change in weight makes Yongsun’s step falter a little and Hyejin comes around to grab Byul’s other arm, taking some of the weight off.

“Thanks.” Yongsun looks over, masking her flustered expression in a quick second.

“Unnie. You had fun tonight.” Hyejin gives her warm look, knowing it was just Yongsun’s usual caring worry about the schedule tomorrow. “We can slack tomorrow, we already finished recording last week. I’m going to take that crazy puppy home and then go, you guys can head back first.”

“Yeah, I know.” Yongsun smiles softly, thanking Hyejin mentally. “Get back safe.”

Wheein was still leisurely skipping down the street, turning around to talk to the camera one of their manager unnies was holding to film for Mamamoo TV. Well none of this drunken footage is going on. They had captured moments of their night for some of the behind the scenes footage since they were all having a great time. Hyejin walked down the street towards her, waving a goodbye behind. Their other manager unnie and another staff came out from behind Yongsun, walking them home to make sure they got back safely after the night.

Yongsun fumbles putting her keys back in her pocket as they stand next to her opened apartment door. She waves the staff unnies a good night and thanks them as she shoves Byul lightly in through the doorway.

Byul had sobered up as they walked home with the staff, a lull settling in after coming down from the alcohol.

“You’re getting a hell of a headache tomorrow.” Yongsun says closing the door behind her. There’s a hint of irritation in her voice. She couldn’t help it, the frustration through the night slowly transformed itself to annoyance. Or was it an impatience? For what? It felt particularly weird tonight. Touching was too much and not enough at the same time. Can something even be like that?

She reaches around the wall for the lights, missing the doorway lights by an inch and instead gets a faint illumination from lights overflowing in the kitchen area. Moonbyul is struggling with her laces in front of her, tired from the night’s events, and eventually gives up to sit on the floor with a huff to pull her shoes off instead.

Yongsun couldn’t help her exasperated smile.

She gives a little sigh then gets down to help her. Byul looks up as Yongsun squats down, their gazes catching each other, throwing them off guard.

Byul tilts her head to side in an affectionate stare. “You’re so pretty.”

It comes out a little dazed. It holds Yongsun in place, her breath catching at the genuine statement. Byul’s drunk. So is she. It’s what she tells herself.

Byul reaches up and tucks a piece of hair behind Yongsun’s ear, her gaze never leaving. With the dull lights that leak from the kitchen, Yongsun sees dilated pupils from the alcohol or maybe something else staring back.

Was it lust?

Suddenly it all seems heavy and any rational reasoning in her head jumbles up with ones full of confusion and a longing that only builds on itself. Byul leans forward a little bringing their faces inches apart, her hand gripping onto Yongsun’s arm. Yongsun wouldn’t be able to comprehend what made her move like that the next morning, but in that moment she instinctively pulls herself closer, bringing her lips to hover over Byul’s as they breath each other’s air.

Byul’s eyes widen but she doesn’t move away, the two girls held in place by something they didn’t understand. A slight movement makes Byul’s lips graze across Yongsun’s and the touch rips Yongsun out of the haze, making her flinch, immediately getting up and away. Her heart is hammering out of her chest and she feels uncomfortably warm. It makes her take shaky breaths in and out. She strides to the kitchen pulling two empty glasses out to fill with water just to do something with her hands.   

She’s drunk. You’re drunk. Just go to sleep.

She knows it’s more than that though.

Moonbyul stares at her shoes, still on her feet. Albeit she may a little dazed from the alcohol before, but there’s lucidity in her recollection of what just happened. She slowly slips her shoes off her feet, finally releasing the breath she didn’t realize she was holding.

What was that?

Yongsun leaves a glass of water and some pain killers by Byul’s bed side table and moves into her own room to change.

“Get some sleep, we start early tomorrow.”

It was all she could get out as she glanced back at a slowly standing Byul by the front door. Any lust or longing was spent, vanquished by a fear that grips at her. She wasn’t supposed to feel like this, not this wanting. It wasn’t friendship and everything was all wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Moonbyul sips her coffee at a table not far from the practice room. She’s started writing here sometimes, a table that sits in a nook, sort of between walls, giving it some privacy but left her feeling not so isolated as she worked. She’d be lying if she said she got any work done in the last hour though. That night played on repeat. She knows it’s stupid. Why would she think like that? She keeps remembering Yongsun’s eyes.

Memories aren’t trustworthy. They say that about witness accounts. Given the amount she drank that night and the unlikeliness of the whole situation she must be crazy for thinking they almost kissed. But how can something so vivid never have happened?

Who’s she kidding. She knows it happened, but wouldn’t it be so much easier if it didn’t?

She touches her lips lightly, barely hovering her finger over her bottom lip. Was that what it felt like? She hates that Yongsun is avoiding her.

They were busy that morning, fighting a hangover and getting ready for a radio show. There wasn’t a minute to sit and talk, they spent every waking minute they had free between schedules trying to get some shut-eye, all of them spent from the last night out. But Yongsun didn’t even look her way when they split after the events.

She gives up thinking about this. The dull ache she normally sports when she lets her mind roam to thoughts about her relationship with Yongsun is now this clenching pain in her chest. It hurt to think in circles.

 

//

 

Moonbyul peeks around the door as she opens it, wondering if Yongsun was already home. She sees Hyejin grab a bottle of water from the fridge and trudge back to her room instead. Hyejin catches her as she’s taking her shoes off, smiles and mumbles about food she can heat up. She waves the hand clasping her water bottle in the air as she continues walking to her room, acknowledging Byul’s presence and declaring her leave at the same time.

Byul dumps all her stuff on the couch, as she normally does, and takes a deep breath approaching Yongsun’s room. Instead she hears her singing with soft strums of the guitar. The song is delicate, a little wistful; she knows Yongsun wrote it.

She rests her forehead against the door, listening, losing the spur of the moment to talk. It grips her because of how proud she feels, that Yongsun wrote something so beautiful, so raw. Moonbyul comes to an understanding. If she could’ve wished this feeling away she would’ve done it. Everything would make so much more sense. If she didn’t run away from it anymore, maybe she’ll feel like she can breathe again.

Maybe she won’t feel like this anymore.

But maybe doesn’t really cut it sometimes. Every time she thinks about confronting it all, she’d talk herself out of it. How could she even begin to risk something so sacred to her, their friendship. Maybe just touching the surface would be enough, better than diving right in and realizing she’d fallen into an abyss right?

 

//

 

She tries to do their banter thing, play around, like everything is normal. She really tries. But then Yongsun wakes up earlier in the morning, sits in the front seat of their van, starts buying coffee for one. Byul feels like it physically hurts, to get shut out like that. She didn’t choose this, but it feels like she was getting punished for it. And apparently it’s obvious the agreed way to approach it was to never talk about it. Ever.

It’s late in the evening. They’re all still holed up in the practice room, having missed dinner and were running over the same minute of one song for the last hour.

God she is insufferable, Byul thinks. She’s annoyed, really tired from practice and Yongsun won’t look her in the eye. She wants her to look over her lyrics for immortal song, but she’s avoiding her like the plague. Well okay then. Hyejin’s been helping her plenty. It was that stupid night with the alcohol. Alcohol fucks everything up. If Yongsun wanted to forget then fine, whatever, it’s done, she will just wipe the whole fucking thing from her memory.

They sit around after practice to discuss their schedules. She wants Wednesday’s slot for the recording studio to fit with vocal lessons the CEO has set up, Yongsun wants Wednesday. Did she really have to pick Wednesday? Wheein suggests another room. They both look at her incredulously, as if the room she suggested was an equivalent to just recording in the hallway.

Wheein backs up. This was totally not about recording. She takes Wednesday. Yongsun leaves.

Byul huffs in frustration. It wasn’t going to work this way, not if the way it’s going interferes with everything else. It gets harder and harder to pretend everything wasn’t real. She sees Wheein sneak another concerned glance at her. She sighs.

 

 

Byul comes home to see Hyejin watching a movie on her laptop, splayed out on the couch. Seeing Byul come home, she pulls her laptop close.

“She’s not home.” Hyejin states, arms resting on her laptop, head still resting on the arm of the couch. After a long look at Byul still pulling her shoes off by the doorway, she proceeds to shuffle to the kitchen. “If you’re wondering that is.”

“Thanks.” Byul mutters and changes out of her clothes in her room, emerging to see Hyejin sitting at their living room table. She motions Byul to sit across her as she gets up and goes to grab two cups.

“Are you fighting with unnie?” Hyejin slides into the chair across the living room table and hands Moonbyul a cup of tea.

“Does it seem like we are?” Moonbyul wraps her hands around the warm cup and blows gently at the liquid.

“Well someone’s not happy about something. You two don’t usually go cold for more than two or three days.” She pauses. “Wheein told me Yongsun unnie left practice early yesterday weirdly emotional, you guys never walk around the house or interact here anymore and I don’t know about you but I haven’t heard her laugh in a week.”

“We… Honestly, I have no idea.” Hyejin throws her a look. “I mean… I don’t know how to put it in words. She— she’s driving me crazy. I can’t tell what she’s thinking anymore, she’s all over the place.”

Hyejin sips at her cup of tea, waiting for some sort of elaboration.

“Look I know this is all weird right now and I’m probably not making any sense. I don’t know how to make things like it was before.”

“You like her.” Hyejin states matter-of-factly as she puts her cup on the table.

“What?” It comes out high-pitched, sounding fake and ridiculous even as she says it.

“Don’t you though? You _like_ like her.” Hyejin takes a deep breath, her expression flipping between empathetic and concern. “Did you ever consider you don’t want to be just friends?”

“No… it’s not like that.” Hyejin looks at her patiently waiting, they both know what they were talking about. That much was obvious.

“What.” Moonbyul’s tone is curt, an exasperation coating her voice. Hyejin stays quiet, knowing it’s going to take some time.

“You’re saying you’re okay with it then?” Moonbyul panic starting to form in her eyes as she speaks. “That it’s okay? That– that it’s okay if its more?” More than friends. Her last words die to a whisper.  

“I’m not blind. Neither is Wheein. We spend the most part of our lives with you two so maybe we see things, like a lot of things.” She reaches over and gently grabs her arm resting on the table. “Byulyi unnie, I don’t know what other people will say and maybe it’s just easier to ignore it but it’s not really working for either of you is it?

Moonbyul stares down at her cup and grips the handle even harder. Hyejin continues.

“Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. Wheein and I would laugh at your poor attempts at flirting, roll our eyes at you.” She chuckles. “You guys were close like Wheein and I were, but then I’d see her fall asleep lying on your shoulder, clinging onto you in a way that’s… It’s just different. And you… I can’t explain it, I just, feel it.”

“Hyejin-ah…” Her voice breaks a little, a deep anguish behind the quickly forming tears.

“You know… I used to think that you guys were just playing. Doing it for fun or for the fans or I don’t’ know… just cause. But it’s not like that is it?” Hyejin takes a breath, knowing Byul won’t answer her question.

“Last week I walked into the washroom after staying late at the company. You guys were fighting and unnie was so obviously crying, and it wasn’t like the crying because she was so mad or stressed. She was falling apart Byul.”

Byul sometimes hates how blunt Hyejin puts things.

“We’re idols.” She says it matter-of-factly, an undertone of irritation, like those two words explain it all. It kind of does. “You think it never crossed my mind? We can’t do this. It just— it won’t work. She’s so—she doesn’t make any sense for me. Hyejin-ah… Fuck. What am I going to do?”

She looks wide-eyed at Hyejin.

Hyejin’s gaze is tender, obviously looking for the right words to say.

She hesitates before starting with a fierce determination in her voice. “Even if no one else tells you this is okay. I’m going to tell you that it is. I love you both and watching you guys keep doing whatever you’re doing sucks, but I can’t tell you what to do. I wish I didn’t have to say this, but yeah, it won’t be easy. This world doesn’t make sense sometimes.” Hyejin pulls her chair around the corner of the table and pulls Moonbyul into a hug.

“Our world doesn’t make sense.” Hyejin whispers. Moonbyul gives up trying to fight her tears and takes deep breaths as she rests her head on Hyejin shoulder.

“There’s no solution. What’s the point?”

“I think you need to talk to unnie. Even if you choose not to pursue it, you need to talk to her.”  

“I can’t. I really can’t. This has to stay a secret.” Moonbyul whispers, but she knew Hyejin was right.

 

 

They’re outdoor in a portable tent, backstage after performing at a festival, a rush of people around them doing their jobs. They were doing so many festivals these days it all kind of blurred into one.

God, Byul loved performing though, the lights, the people in the crowd, just that feeling on stage. It’s freeing.

She likes the outdoor performances, when the sun wasn’t blazing down on your neck or when it wasn’t cold enough to freeze your nipples off, it was nice, being outside and all. She just wishes her smile wasn’t so fake these days.

She rips her ear piece out, letting it dangle down one side of her shoulders, stalks over to a table to grab water bottles. The bottles get passed out to her members, she taps Yongsun on the shoulder and offers it out. Yongsun mutters a thanks.

They sort of made up.

Sort of.

They were all like family, they fight, they move on, it’s normal. But all this was as far from normal as Byul wanted, so they’re stuck in this limbo where no one really says what they’re feeling and they keep pretending. It’s great.

She thought that perhaps with all the realization that’s happened and the talk with Hyejin maybe she would confront it, but she doesn’t have that kind of bravery, so the words stay at the tip of her tongue everytime she tries to talk about it. She spends the rest of the night thinking how long they can keep doing this.

A couple days later she breaks. It wasn’t that surprising, given that she can’t even talk about this to anyone, well anyone but Hyejin, but then she doesn’t know if she really wants to be talking about it, because then it’ll seem real again and she doesn’t know if she can do real anymore.

It was a photoshoot, and it went on so much later than she thought. Some lighting problems, or camera problems, or just people problems. She sighs, she was almost hitting a solid thirty hours since she’s slept. They were on their third look of the shoot and honestly Byul loved this shoot, it had casual items but it was put together so well, classy, stylish, a mix of denim and black. Hair and make-up stretched longer than usual but damn they look good. Yongsun had on a dark denim skirt and a navy and white halter top.

She’d look good in a plastic bag.

Byul curses herself in her head. She wasn’t going to do this anymore. But then suddenly Yongsun’s all over her during the shoot, draping her arm over her shoulders, wrapping herself arms around her waist from behind, her legs half on top of Byul’s when they were posing on the floor, backs against the wall. It gets really hard to breathe.

What does she want?

Sure it’s for the shoot, but she knows it isn’t just that, there’s weirdly lingering hands and a look of desperation, short and fleeting. She knows how well Yongsun can hide any emotion, her smile so close to being actually genuine, but she knows.

It’s the eyes.

She’s sure Wheein and Hyejin knows too at this point, with the amount of space they’ve given the two of them. So she caves, goes back to caring about her.

_Stupid._

She drapes a jacket over her shoulders as they walks back to the car, asks if she was ok when they collapse on the seats, exhaustion plastered all over her face, even grabs her hand about to rub back and forth over her knuckles with her thumb to comfort. But Yongsun flinches and pulls her hand away instead, mutters an I’m fine and closed her eyes, crosses her arms, head back on the headrest. Byul is so taken back she didn’t even recoil like she wants to.

Well. Fuck her too. She cries that night into her pillow.

 

//

They have a couple days off after a wave of promotions, a time when they were almost always too caught up with work or too exhausted to think. But now it's different, they have time off, and sometimes the silence at home is suffocating.

Byul wakes up close to noon, tempted to just stay under the covers all day, but instead she shuffles into the bathroom to wash up in an oversized shirt.

Ready for a coffee, she goes for the kitchen. She sees Yongsun reading on the couch, hair pulled up into a bun, glasses sliding a tad too low on the nose bridge, sunlight pouring in from the window on the side. It’s been so long she’s seen her like that.

Relaxed.

No work frown or full make-up, just content and at home. She misses her. Because before all this, she was her best friend, her family, and now they’re weird friends that weren’t really friends. And it was nearing the last weeks where they’d all live together. It’s weird how she’s going to be alone.

Yongsun looks up, her glasses dropping even lower, eyes blinking curiously above the rims at Byul. She gives her a smile, genuine and open, which Byul returns. Because maybe it’s been weeks and in that moment they both forget everything a little and it was nice to finally get to share something real between them.

Byul goes and makes two cups, a peace offering. She was too tired to keep some façade up, desperate for things to be like they used to. She slides onto the couch, handing the other coffee to Yongsun’s periphery. They both sip at their cups, content with the silence for a while. Byul bends to look at the cover of the book and chuckles.

“Really? Politics? You choose to read about politics on your day off?”

“Hey!” Yongsun turns and looks over, frowning and pouting a little but not actually offended. “We should know this stuff…it’s uh important.”

“Oh yeah? Then what have you learnt? What is completely and utterly wrong with our system?” A familiar playful glint fills Byul’s eyes.

“Well. Uh. That’s what I’ll find out when I read some more.” Yongsun flips through the book with her thumb, as if presenting the amount of knowledge in its pages.

Byul laughs, an actual laugh that wrinkles her nose. It was so easy; so easy to feel that comfort talking about complete nonsense together. Instinctually she reaches out to grab Yongsun’s arm mid-laugh, catching herself at some point and wondering if she was going to pull away. Byul chuckles as she grabs Yongsun’s coffee and rests both their cups on the coffee table giving her some space. Yongsun leans in instead, resting her shoulder on her, laughing at Byul laughing.

“Let me see that book.” Byul attempts to make a grab for it. “Maybe I’ll learn too!” She says sarcastically.

Yongsun pulls the book away. “You’re not appreciating it enough.” She states with no seriousness.

Byul laughs again. “Just let me see.” Her words trail off as she turns sideways towards Yongsun, leaning over to reach over to the other side of the couch. Yongsun squeals in retaliation, Byul’s arms half wrapped against Yongsun’s torso.

It takes less than a second for Byul to realize her mistake.

But maybe a part of it was intentional. She selfishly wanted to be this close. She wanted to laugh to like this. She wanted to see how Yongsun would respond. Because… fuck, she just wanted to stop pretending everything was normal.

What Byul didn’t anticipate was how thin her shirt was, how unbelievably intimate it was to press herself up against her like that and how she really couldn’t control what she was feeling in the slightest.

That was her mistake. Because she didn’t even know if this was something Yongsun wanted.

So of course she pulls away, but not before she feels Yongsun exhale unevenly, a sound halfway to a whimper, and it takes her so off guard she stops moving.

Yongsun turns, eyes wide and glassy, staring at her eyes, then her lips, then her eyes. And then it’s so clear what Yongsun wants, but no one moves.

She can’t decide if she feels a little relieved, that there was something going on, or completely terrified what all this means. She wishes she’d just stop overthinking everything, stop trying to define everything all the time. They needed to talk about all this, yet no words seem to form.

Apparently she didn’t need to.

Yongsun pulls away, looks down at her lap, slips her eyes closed for just a second. And Byul thinks the moment is over, so fleeting and fragile. She wonders if it even happened at all.

Yongsun clears her throat, all the useless talk about the book forgotten because there was no way they could ignore this and pretend they were still talking about some stupid book. “I’m going to get some water.” She says roughly.

Through all this Byul just sits there quietly, because she still hasn’t decided what to do with this. Yongsun gets up and goes to the kitchen and Byul is not quite sure she’s still coming back.

 

//

                            

Yongsun almost collapses against the counter, knowing Byul can’t see into this part of the kitchen and starts almost heaving as quietly as she could.

Fuck. Fuck all this.

Tears start to brim at the edge of her eyes, because she was so _angry_ at herself, for wanting this, for wanting Byul in a way she wasn’t supposed to.

She tried so hard to put it all away, tucked away in some corner of her mind because she didn’t have time for this. They had a career ahead of them, people who look up to them, people who judge them. So not only could she not just think about the two of them, she had to think about the strangers she’s never seen and actually may never see because that’s what’s riding on the line. And that was part of her job. She was the leader and she needed to keep this group together, needed them to succeed together.

She looks up at the ceiling, blinking furiously, a futile attempt to hold the tears in her eyes, knowing she needs to come to some decision because they have to talk about this. Her fists were clenched unconsciously, her fingernails digging into the palm, the pain helping her think. She tries to take deep breaths and actually pours herself a cup of water before wiping her eyes dry with the corner of her shirt.

There’s no longer anyone sitting on the couch. She sees her book lying in the corner of the couch and almost laughs at how they were talking about that minutes ago. Yongsun knocks on Byul’s door, inching the door open when met with silence. She sees Byul lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, and then looking at her.

“Can we talk?” Her voice is hoarse.

Byul shifts so she’s sitting cross-legged, back against her pillow and taps on the empty half of the bed. She waits patiently for Yongsun to say something, looks at her so gently that it makes what Yongsun wants to say infinitely harder.

“I don’t want this.” Yongsun says as calmly as she could, breathing unsteadily after the words are out. She didn’t even have to mention what this is; they just knew at this point.

She watches Byul flinch ever so slightly, nose flaring.

Hurt seeps through a façade she attempts to pull. She’s never seen her this hurt. She wishes she could just take the words back, a whispered no, no, no. That’s not what I mean and wipe it away with a hug. Because she really didn’t mean it like that, not the way Byul was going to understand what she just said, but there is no other way. Byul pulls it together pretty quick, any emotion from before tucked just under the surface.

“You don’t want this?” Byul says flatly, motioning between them. It encompasses so much with so little words.

She closes her eyes for just a second, then nods slightly, unable to maintain eye contact.  

“Then what do you want?” Byul asks softly, almost apologetically, and Yongsun worries that Byul is going to take this all on herself. She doesn’t know how to answer that question, because what did she want?

“Byul-ah…” Yongsun squeezes Byul on the shoulder, a feeble attempt to ease the situation.

“Because we still have to work. There’s Wheein and Hyejin, and we are not doing this to them.” Byul insists.

“I know.” Yongsun says as fervently as she could, in hopes that Byul sees that’s exactly why everything was the way it was. “I know.” She repeats.

“We’re going to be okay.” Yongsun murmurs gently, trying to convince herself of her own words. “We’re just going to live like we used to. Come on. It’s us.”

Byul looks at her with a hint of exasperation. “You think we haven’t been trying that?”

Yongsun was lost. She didn’t know what else they could possibly do to make things alright.

“Just try. Let’s just try again.” Her thumb gently grazes Byul’s cheek, more futile attempts to try and contain all the hurt.

Byul looks away and shrugs out of the caress, a coldness encompassing her for the first time. “Yeah, maybe this time it’s different.”

Yongsun feels her heart clench.


	4. Chapter 4

They both try. Again. And it works, kind of. They still work like they used to. They even laugh, make jokes in front of the camera. It’s funny how when you try hard enough to pretend, you can really fool yourself into believing anything. When will they stop doing the same thing over and over again?

Maybe not living together anymore helps. It helps forget. But then there are the moments when Yongsun turns off the lights and lies in her bed at night, and she realizes some of that hurt never really goes away. That those haunting moments will always be there, because she could never forget Byul’s eyes when she said she didn’t want this. She chose not to do pursue this, and even if it’s gotten so hard fighting that feeling, she’d do it for them. For all four of them. It sounds selfless, but really, she was terrified and she needed something to tell herself.

It’s just past noon and Yongsun shuffles up in line at the coffee shop by their company. It’s packed with office workers and students alike, so much so the tip of the line reaches the glass doors to the shop. Yet they all wait patiently. Caffeine. It’s a drug. She used to come here with Byul after lunch occasionally when they had a full day at the company, another routine that’s changed, small details no one but them feel. She orders and leans against the wall in a corner, waiting for her order, the coffee aroma giving her some sense of comfort. She watches the barista try and manage the rush of customers during the lunch hour, the coffee sloshing slightly over the cup as he places it down on the counter in a hurry.

“Unnie! Did you get more than one order?” Yongsun looks up to see Wheein sidling up next to her. She must’ve barreled through a few people to get to where Yongsun was. “Please say yes.”

“Yeah. I got enough for you guys and the staff. You think I don’t know your lazy asses by now?”

Wheein just grins back at her. Yongsun rolls her eyes at the dimple that dips in one cheek and Wheein reflexively loops one of her arms around Yongsun’s.

“I’ll help you carry.”

“You better.” Yongsun chuckles.

They juggle the trays of coffee cups between them as they stroll back towards the company. The wind blows Yongsun’s jacket open and she shivers a little, unable to pull it close with both her hands occupied. Wheein trails beside her silently, obviously hesitating in saying something as she takes side glances at Yongsun every few steps on the sidewalk. After a minute, Wheein gives up glancing and stares at the concrete slabs in front of them as they walk. The walk feels like an eternity longer than normal.

“What is it?” Yongsun murmurs. She’s partly guessed what Wheein wanted to talk about. The four of them haven’t talked about the weirdness between her and Byul, which had to be an elephant in the room, at least it had to have been a couple weeks ago when she almost fell apart. She was a mess. She’s still a mess.

The four of them talk about everything together, but Yongsun was somewhat glad Wheein and Hyejin has been giving them space. There’s a guilt that encompasses her as they talk, it wasn’t fair they had to deal with the problems she’s created.

Wheein throws her a questioning look, almost surprised Yongsun brought it up. “Uh... Unnie, you okay?”

“Yeah.” Yongsun pauses, because how could she begin to explain all this? “I’m sorry. Things will get better. We just... we worked it out. It’s fine.”

Wheein looks at Yongsun, fighting an urge to just hug her unnie to make whatever it is okay, and unsure how to deal with this sadness that won’t stop emanating from her eyes.

“Did you guys fight? Is unnie avoiding you?” Wheein asks a little guardedly, like it wasn’t all she wanted to ask.

“You could say that.” Yongsun sighs. “I'm sorry, we'll be better. Don’t worry. We’re...it's complicated.” She guesses even with their best attempt at pretending it was still just as obvious. She only hopes that it wasn’t the same with cameras. She genuinely misses the time when everything was easy, when they could come to work and act like complete idiots with each other. Now, she's consistently at her wit's end, unable to do anything but apologize and try and move forward.

Yongsun holds the glass door open with her back as Wheein enters the building. Wheein looks up at her for a moment and a look of understanding flashes back at Yongsun, as if she could see Yongsun’s unspoken plea to give her more time. So she just nods back and follows after Yongsun with the door closing behind. Yongsun is glad with the silence, it gave her a free pass at having to convince someone she was okay again. She took solace in Wheein's silent presence, hoping desperately that time would solve everything.

 

//

 

Yongsun stares at the scraps of paper in front of her, most of them lyrics she jotted down as she thought of something on the way to an event, or waiting in line at the coffee shop. She tries putting it together, piecing it into a story.

It wasn’t really coming together. She stares at ceiling, then stares at the pieces of paper once more. In a huff of fury, she crushes one of the pieces into a ball, and throws it across the room with a groan of frustration.

Once upon a time Byul would do this with her, help her write lyrics, or just sit there silently scrolling on her phone next to her, laughing and writing her own lyrics once in a while. It hasn’t been this way for a while, but ever since actually talking about it, it’s different. It’s all different. Because even with all that pretending before, Byul was still there for her. And now she’s not, now everything seems fake and contrived. A part of her was still trying to pull everything back to the way it was, but most of her hated how she missed her touch. She didn’t realize how ever-present she was until this void now surrounds her instead, nothing left to care for her, support her. Even nothing left to annoy her.

Yongsun feels a sudden urge to try and make things normal again. She sweeps her pieces of paper into a pile, bends to unravel the ball she threw to a corner and grabs her keys on the way out. They lived apart but not farther than a couple floors away, making it that much easier to act on her uninhibited impulse.

She rings the doorbell hesitantly.

Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea anymore. But it’s too late and Byul is standing in the doorway, hair damp and a little frizzy after a shower, wearing an oversized navy T-shirt and black gym shorts.

“Unnie? Did something happen?” A hint of concern laced in a monotone question.

“Uh... I was just working and it wasn’t coming together, and I was thinking, uh...maybe, you’d want to work on lyrics?”

The look Byul threw was genuinely confused. “What?”

“We need them in a couple days, like for the new song...I mean a draft at least.” Yongsun panics a little.

“Write lyrics... together?” It almost sounds sarcastic, and Yongsun feels irritated.

“Yes. It’s work. I need someone to take a second look.” It gets a little defensive, because maybe she was actually trying to bring about a new normal and Byul just wasn’t having any of it.

“Unnie... ” Byul says exasperated, as if explaining how this was all so obviously wrong.

“Byul-ah. Wheein was asking me what’s going on with us.”

“And...”

“I thought we were trying?”

Byul laughs hollowly, harsh and unforgiving. “Hey. Stop fucking around. You don’t get to choose to have whichever part of me you want and then leave everything else to shit.”

She winces and sees Byul regret her words immediately. But the words were out and she could see Byul meant some of it nonetheless.

She was right. She didn’t have any right to ask for this, she asked for whatever it was between them to go away. But she wanted it, and nothing made sense anymore. What she wanted and what she ended up doing no longer aligned all the time. It was somehow easier before. She wanted to be a singer so she worked for it, she practiced like there was no tomorrow and fought for every chance.

But this. This was contradictory. And it tore at her. She lets out a deep breath, at the same time Byul sighs, shakes her head and begins to speak. “I— I didn’t—”.

“No. You’re right.” She interrupts. She really lost her. She mutters I’m sorry and turns to leave before Byul would have time to speak again.

 

//

 

Byul watches Yongsun disappear down the corridor as she remains standing in the doorway.

Fuck. That’s not how she wanted that to come out. She was mad. Obviously. She was getting whiplash from the push and pull Yongsun was doing. She sighs, running a hand through her damp hair. She hates that somehow she has associated pain with Yongsun ever since that night. She remembers how cruel Yongsun could be when she wanted to shut her out, how cold and foreign she could look.

In front of cameras sure, she’ll do her part, but here? She was done feeling like crap all the time. At the least she needed some time. Some time to rebuild a wall that was so effortlessly torn down.

Watching the fleeing back of a distraught Yongsun wasn’t the way she wanted things to go down. But she just couldn’t find it inside her to open up and start caring again.

Why can’t things be easy? She turns and slams the door shut. Perhaps she’ll be stronger tomorrow.

 

//

 

Beep. Beep. Beep....Byul groans and flips on the bed in a hurry to smack her alarm to silence. She reaches out blindly for her phone on the bedside table and squints at the bright light that glares at her.

3.45am.

Life of an idol fucking sucks sometimes. And of course she’d get the first make-up slot today. She rolls out of bed in the least elegant way possible and stomps towards her washroom. At least someone else does her hair and make-up, she thinks staring at the horrified mess of hair on her head, if she could even call it hair. She tries pointlessly combing at it before giving up and washing up instead.

She walks into the company a half hour later and enjoys the quiet minus a couple staff that’s helping prep stuff for them. The recording studio shows a sliver of light coming from underneath the door and walking past, Byul wonders who would’ve come in earlier to record. She peaks in and sees an empty room with the computer flashing a generic screensaver. She guesses someone left it on, but as she passes the larger practice rooms she spots Yongsun bent over at a table through one of the glass doors.

Byul finds Yongsun asleep with music and lyrics scattered on a table. She stays standing by the table for a while. It’s hard not to stare. She remembers the first time they all had dinner together when they met, how she couldn’t stop staring because she was just so pretty. How everything around her feels different when they're alone sometimes, sensations sharper, a state of hyperawareness. Some things never change.

How could she stop caring?

She pulls up a chair quietly next to her and mirrors Yongsun, leaning on her arm and resting her head on the table. She watches the rise and fall of Yongsun’s breaths, a steady rhythm in the quiet room.

She lifts her head and glances around the table, at their lyrics and music for several performances, with changed bits and pieces to keep their acts fresh and unpredictable. She sees how she’s divided their parts, arranged their harmonies, which means everything will run that much faster and easier when they inevitably have to rush later.

She takes a deep breath, fighting an urge to tuck a falling piece of hair behind Yongsun’s ear.

It’s been two days since she last saw her and even sleeping she looked so exhausted. She sees how hard she’s trying to work. For them. And part of it makes sense now, why Yongsun was all over the place. Why it seemed like she cared one minute then didn’t in another. She was trying to take care of everything and everyone.

Well everything but herself. Is this really what she wants? 

She takes off her jacket and drapes it on Yongsun’s shoulders, slowly and gently, as if the fragile moment could be broken at any point. It was a small apology after the way she said things the other night. She shouldn't have said that. She doesn’t know what else she can do. She closes the door quietly as she goes to get her make-up done.


	5. Chapter 5

They rush from a meeting at the company to a fitting in preparation for their new MV. It’s always refreshing when they get to try these wildly different themes for each of their comebacks, makes Byul feel like she gets to show a different side of herself all the time.

Byul tugs on the handle of the side door to their van, and they all begin to pile inside from the sidewalk. A couple pedestrians had spotted them from a distance, eagerly pulling their phones out to document. She couldn't help but feel like she’s living a different life now, how everything is so drastically distinctive to when she was just a trainee, or during the first year of their debut. She waves to the people taking pictures across the street before stepping in after Hyejin.

The blinds are drawn inside the van, the seats illuminated with a mix of real and artificial lighting. She sees Yongsun at the back next to Wheein, both rearranging their space to take a quick nap before their next destination.

Yongsun coughs then slips on a neck pillow, resting her head on the window and closes her eyes. Byul wonders if she was looking paler than usual. Has she been sleeping enough?

At their fitting session Byul realizes that Yongsun definitely wasn’t fine. Wheein catches her swaying as they were standing and getting their outfits measured and tinkered with to fit. Staff flittered around them, switching out accessories and debating colour matches, asking them which ones they preferred.

Halfway through someone brought their food, a late lunch if you could still call it that. They sit on the couch slightly crouched over the coffee table eating. Byul watches Yongsun pick at her food for a bit then lie back on the couch to rest. Hyejin hawks at her to eat more but their unnie shakes her head and mutters, “Don’t really have an appetite right now”.

Byul gets up to grab her a cup of juice, at the very least she should get something down.

“Here. Just take a little, we still have the choreography session after this.” Byul says gently, forgetting everything else between them and takes Yongsun’s hand to place the cup in it.

Yongsun looks up and nods, her eyes holding Byul’s for a second. _Thanks_. Later that day Yongsun leaves early, just as their choreography instructor finishes, parting with a quick wave.

Hyejin looks anxiously at her and pulls Byul outside. She tugs on Byul’s arm and whispers by her ear. “Okay. You need to talk to her.”

“We did.”

“You did? Are... you okay?”

Byul nods.

“You sure? Just talk to me.” Hyejin’s voice is gentle. “Did you tell her everything?”

Byul nods again. "Well. Actually I didn't say anything."

"Okay...?"

"We just... I don't know. Things always just happen between us, and I--" Byul stops talking.

Hyejin sighs, sympathetic. “What are you guys going to do?”

“I don’t know. Whatever we're doing now I guess." Byul laughs bitterly at the situation. "She... She said she didn’t want it.”

Hyejin wraps one of her arms around Byul’s shoulders. “Oh unnie... but this right now isn’t what she wants either.”

“Oh. Really? Because she asked for this."

"Does it look like what she wants?"

Byul sighs. "No... but--"

“She’s got a lot on her shoulders.”

"I know..."

"We don't always say what we mean Byul." Hyejin gives her a pat on the head, and Byul wonders where she she gets this wisdom from.

"You think she wants this then?"

"I-- I... don't know. I just know things are almost always more complicated than what words can put together."

"I think I know where she’s coming from.” Byul takes a deep breath, leaning on Hyejin’s weight.

Hyejin squeezes her shoulder. The silence echoing between them. “I know it’s not easy but…take care of her yeah?”

“I will. I just-- I don’t know how.”

“Just be you. You know how.”

Byul chuckles weakly. “When did you get so wise?”

Hyejin scoffs. “Since always. Just know I’m here kay?”

Byul murmurs a yeah and pulls Hyejin into a hug.

 

//

 

The streetlights flicker on simultaneously down the street, and cars start and stop continuously in the evening traffic. It was getting just past seven and the sun was setting. Byul strolls down the sidewalk, her take-out swinging with her steps. She bought the food for Yongsun. She was going to be there for her, if she needed it, if she wanted it. It hurt a lot more to see Yongsun like this, defeated, trying to hold the world on her shoulders.

The elevator dings on each floor. Byul leans against the wall reading some of the notices taped for its residents. What should she say? Sorry? Ignore the stuff that’s happened between them? No one teaches you what to do when you fall in love with someone you’re not supposed to.

Love?

 _Fuck._  She guesses that’s what this was. It makes sense at least. Somehow it makes it less confusing for her, because to her, love was simple, and maybe a part of her knew all along. It’s not easy putting feelings to words. It’s things no one teaches you and yet somehow you’re supposed to figure it all out magically.

She rings the doorbell. It takes such an obscenely long time for Yongsun to get to the door that Byul was almost sure that she wasn't home, but that didn’t make sense, so she stood there trying to figure out where she would go. She was still stood there thinking, when the door whips open and Yongsun stands there, in a long white Adidas shirt, her eyes blinking, trying to wash away the fatigue.

“Hey.” Yongsun’s voice is small, a hint of relief, or maybe that was just the exhaustion talking.

“I brought you food...” Byul says, lifting the take-out bags up.

Yongsun smiles, it’s a real smile, genuine. “Thanks.” She turns and walks in, an invitation for Byul to follow. Yongsun sits on the couch as Byul drops the bags on the coffee table, kneeling on the floor to take the food out. They didn’t know what to say. So this silence drops around them, not entirely uncomfortable but stays waiting for either of them to say something.

Byul breaks it. “You’re working too much.” She says without looking at Yongsun, still laying out side dishes from the bags onto the table.

“It’s okay. I’m just tired today.”

“It’s not just today.” Byul whips her head around to look up at Yongsun on the couch.

“It’s what I do. I’m okay. I’ll take a break today.” Yongsun smiles gently, repeating her reassurance without meaning, but glad Byul cared enough to say it.

Byul sighs. “It’s _not_ okay.” She wants to say more but she chokes on her words. She hands Yongsun a bowl of rice and pulls the coffee table, now spread with dishes, closer to the couch.

“Here. _Eat_. Don’t make me feed you.”Yongsun chuckles a little and Byul returns a smile. “Okay.”

Yongsun eats in silence and Byul turns on the TV for some background noise. Eventually Byul starts picking at the food too and sits on the floor with her back resting against the couch by Yongsun’s knees.

“I’m sorry.” Byul mutters, staring at the floor in front of the couch.

“What? For what?”

“For the other night, when you came over. I... I didn’t – it wasn’t fair for me to say that.”

“Byul-ah..."

"No, let me say it. It wasn't what I meant. I just needed... time."

"Byul, you weren’t wrong.”

“I was.”

Yongsun pauses, struggling to find words to capture everything to she wanted to say. “When we decided to keep things the way they were, I should’ve known what that meant. I... I didn’t realize– I just wanted it to be okay.”

Byul turns around and grips Yongsun’s arm gently, kneeling by the couch at eye level. “It’s not though, is it? You don’t have to take everything on yourself.”

Yongsun’s eyes glances at Byul’s thumb, grazing back and forth. Byul follows her gaze and realizes what she was doing, pulling her hand away in response. “Sorry.”

Yongsun reaches out and grabs her hand. “No...”

They’re back to this charged air, like every second stretches to ten and everything they touched and felt were magnified. They hold their stare.

“This is _wrong_.” Yongsun whispers, not moving, hand gripping onto Byul’s like a vice.

“Just because other people say something is wrong, doesn’t always mean it’s wrong.”

And something breaks in Yongsun, she was so tired of fighting. She just couldn’t seem to let go of Byul’s hand, it's almost as if she’d be giving up everything if she let go this one moment. So she pulls closer, barely tugging Byul forward but giving her everything she needed to lean in. And she does. Byul rises onto her knees, using her free hand to grip the arm of the couch and captures Yongsun’s lips in one swift movement.

It’s soft and slow, Byul still unsure if this was something Yongsun wanted, but then Yongsun sits up and releases her hand to gently hold her head, thumbs grazing her cheeks as she deepened the kiss. There’s an anguish in their movements, like nothing could release what they’ve been holding secret yet they desperately keep trying.

It’s surprisingly easy between them, it all feels right. Byul opens her mouth slightly, instinctively pulling Yongsun’s lower lip into her mouth, one hand supporting herself up, the other reaching forward for her waist, wrapping behind and pulling her closer. The feeling of Yongsun's body against hers electric, radiating through her. Everything was so overwhelmingly charged and a frustrated moan slips from Yongsun when she feels Byul’s tongue against her lips, suddenly wanting more. They both freeze. Yongsun didn’t even know she could produce such a sound, and now it echoes in her ear, guttural and dirty, reminding her how all this was so wrong. Byul pulls back a little, buzzed with desire from hearing Yongsun, finally fully understanding what this was between them. Then she sees Yongsun’s eyes.

Byul understands where she’s coming from, this was all just as new to her but she knows looking at Yongsun that they’re back to whatever mess they were in before. She sighs. There’s fear, but there’s also this cold darkness in her eyes. It scares her.

Yongsun breaks the moment, sitting up around Byul, getting off the couch. She stands for a second, seemingly contemplating where she should go. Byul tries to figure out what she was supposed to do and turns to sit herself down from where Yongsun just got up.

“Wait.” Byul sighs, knowing Yongsun was readying herself to leave. Yongsun turns and Byul sees tears start to form in her eyes.

“I’m _sorry_.” Yongsun starts for the door and Byul gets up, pulling on Yongsun arm, dragging her back into the apartment.

“You don’t get to just leave. Damn it. Can we talk this out?” Byul says. 

“I don’t get it what do you want me to say?”

Byul scoffs and takes a step forward backing Yongsun up and closing the distance between them.

“No. I’m not doing this anymore. You’re not the only one _figuring_ all this shit out.”

“Just stop. I can’t. Byul-ah. I’m sorry.”

“ _Really_? You really want to keep doing everything like this?” Byul takes a step back, giving her some space. “Please. Let’s stop pretending it’ll all be the same.”

“I know that. Yeah. It’s different. That’s why I can’t be the same.” Yongsun looks at her, and Byul can’t tell what she’s thinking this time. What is it? Regret? Shame? She hates that look.

“Fine. Don't talk.” Her words are punctuated, her emotions on edge.

“We play it up on stage because we both love it. You say things to me that makes me stop because they’re not things you’d say to any of your other friends. Not like that. Not the way you look at me. I’m not crazy. It’s there. Sometimes when we’re hanging out alone and having fun, you give me this laugh and it’s the happiest I ever see you smile.” Byul smiles painfully, recalling memories she fears she’ll never live again.

“When I feel like I’m on top of the world, the first person I want to tell is _you_. When I feel completely worthless and useless, the only person I want to be with is you.” She pauses, catching her breath, unable to stop the torrent of words that come out once she’s started. Her voice shakes from how defenseless these words make her, how she has figuratively given Yongsun every piece of her that could be ripped apart.

“Sometimes the way you look at me makes my heart hurt and I can’t breathe.” Moonbyul stops talking and the silence is resonant, the two of them starring straight into the vulnerability of each other’s eyes.

“We– we... kissed.” Moonbyul didn’t want that part to come out that way but it did. Like a secret. Like she didn’t want it. “Stop trying to pretend that didn’t just _fucking_ happen.”

Moonbyul sees parts of Yongsun break with each of her words. She was emotional and apprehensive, she needed Yongsun to really see things, so she says everything that she knows they were both trying to avoid thinking about. She feels the words bring out what she’s been building inside all this time, her need to be around Yongsun all the time, how she can’t seem to stop touching her and playing around with her.

She doesn’t want to be friends. She doesn’t want this awkward love-hate avoiding thing that’s been going on. She needs to know there’s more. She watches tears well up in Yongsun’s eyes, a torrent of emotion behind those tears.

“You ruin me you know?” Yongsun voice breaks. The pain in her expression makes Byul’s hand twitch to reach out but she doesn’t.

“I—I can’t. I don’t how to.” Yongsun manages to get out.

She pushes Moonbyul back on the shoulders and turns around to shove the door open, walking out of the room.

Moonbyul stands there overwhelmed, by her feelings, by Yongsun’s reactions. It wasn’t much worse than all the scenarios she’s played in her head repeatedly, she knew they’d eventually confront this, but she couldn’t help but feel rejection. Even though she knew that wasn’t what this was about. It was more than that. Maybe a part of her thought there’d be a chance for something different. But this was how it’s going to be. Get over it and get back to work. It’s the only way.

She goes to pick up the food left on the table, needing something to do, reminding her of everything that just happened. “You ruin me too.” She says to no one.

 

//

 

Yongsun rushes out of the building and walks and walks till she ends up by the river. She couldn’t breathe, it hurt from inside her and every time she thought about Byul’s words she felt a pit in her stomach, like it threatened to pull every part of her in. It was a heavy gnawing feeling she couldn’t shake. She didn’t understand. She didn’t know how it escalated to this. After spending all this time ignoring it and convincing herself that her feelings were normal, she was hit with the full realization of what she felt and why she felt that way. It made her weak and exhausted, but mostly afraid.

She spent the next four hours sitting and walking along the river; she didn’t know how to move past this. They had a career ahead of them. She knew how Korea worked, there was no way it’s going to end pretty. Even if it did she had a torrent of questions she couldn’t answer herself. Who was she? Was it just Byul? Does she like girls now? She racked her brain for any other time she remotely felt the way she did now. What changed?

She was still young when she aimed to get into the industry. Sure, she has dated guys. She told her friends she has crushed before, that she loved before, but she didn't _know_ what that was. And sex. It didn't change her world but she never felt like it repulsed her. Once she became a trainee, her time was flooded with practice and music; she never stopped to consider anything. Her world was steady, it was _fine_. It's not this feeling that wants to explode out of her now, not before.

She hated how she left earlier because she could see the pain in Byul’s face, but she couldn’t have stayed. She could barely keep it together now. It had gotten dark an hour ago and the city lights reflect off the surface of the water now, there’s a serenity to the river that somehow always calmed her.

She needed to talk to her. Even amongst all this shit she missed her. The last week was horrible because they weren’t talking much, they still interacted and played around a little for their schedules but they’d kept a distance with each other they never really did before. It was all so fake and enough of her life was fake given that she was a celebrity. Sometimes she’d reflexively look around for Byul when she wasn’t there like she used to. She missed the truth in her life, a truth Byul brings out in her.

She pulls out her phone as she walks down the path by the river and her thumbs hovers over her message conversation with Moonbyul. She couldn't bring herself to call and talk, couldn't deal with her voice and all the emotions she'd hear behind it. The last thing she had sent was a kakao sticker saying thank you! last week after Byul had said: “ _Got your coffee too, left it by the speakers in the practice room_.”

She needed to think. And now she had, she knew. She couldn’t lose her.

Yongsun: _Can we talk?_

She waited, starring at the screen for a reply. Seen. A couple minutes later.

Moonbyul: _Do you actually want to this time?_

Yongsun: _Did you go home?_

Moonbyul: _You’re at the river aren’t you_

Yongsun: _Yeah_

Moonbyul: _Yeah I'm home._

Yongsun: _Ok. I'll be there._

Yongsun hates that she knows her so well. It makes the truth so much more glaringly real to her. She sits with her eyes closed, head tilted back on the bench, her hand clutching her phone in her lap. The night air had gotten chilly and she had her other arm wrapped around her body attempting to keep whatever remaining warmth in. She gets off the bench, and begins to walks back to finally confront whatever this is, using her time to come up with a way to make all of this less fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omggggg...what a rollercoaster writing this one. Hope you guys enjoy it as much I liked writing it. :) Thank you for the kind comments and kudos!!!


	6. Chapter 6

Yongsun stares at the door, wondering if she'd ever be ready to confront this. She was just really tired. Tired of being confused and tired of thinking and crying. When the door finally opens, Byul just leans against the wall staring at her through the doorway. She hates that they're always meeting like this now.

“Hey.” Yongsun’s voice is raspy after hours of silence and tears.

Neither of them had the words to say what they are thinking, needing the silence to collect their thoughts.

“Hey.” Moonbyul says, turning her back and going to sit at the couch, an unspoken gesture to sit with her.

“I don’t know what to say.” Yongsun mutters.

Byul sits there, arms crossed, hands gripping her sides in a feeble attempt for comfort. “Me neither.”

Yongsun sneaks a glance sideways. “I’m _sorry_. I’m sorry I keep walking away. How does this all make sense to you?”

“It doesn't. None of this _makes sense_.” She turns towards Yongsun, pauses and takes a deep breath. “Just tell me what you’re thinking.”

Yongsun looks up at Byul again, her eyes flitting back and forth from staring at the seam of the couch. Words began to form at her lips, her expression desperate for something, but instead she squeezes her eyes shut in frustration. Everything was so much harder looking at her. Everything feels like so much more and she can’t physically get the words out.

Byul watches her and doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even move, holding a look so close to despair on her features. She had always wanted to give Yongsun time, but even she had her limits.

“It’s because we’re fucked up”, Yongsun eventually utters. She says it with such vehement distaste that Byul hurts for the both of them.

“Don’t say that.”

Yongsun turns to look at her, tears beginning to build again. She grabs Moonbyul on the arm instinctively. “Byul-ah, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Moonbyul sighs, her face weary and struggling to maintain an indifferent expression. “Don’t say that either.”

“Then tell me what we’re supposed to do. How are we supposed to live this life?” Her tone raises, anger merging with her words. “Why can’t everything just be _fine_?”

“What? Again? You know why. Yongsun this is bullshit. Say what you mean.”

“Byul… I—”, Yongsun panics. Byul flares.

“You want us to _play_ like we use to? You want me to hold you like I use to? Or you just want to pretend? When? Only when we’re on stage, like the last few weeks? Did you really think that was working? Because you could barely stand to be in the same room.” She rants, her last words harsh.

“Well nothing can happen! People can’t _know_. CEO can’t know, manager unnie can’t know and there’s no way in hell this can go public. We’ve worked too fucking hard to lose this.”

Yongsun’s words come out in a hiss, frustrations lacing her words with bitterness. Byul gets it. She really does, because the same thoughts have been circulating on a loop since she realized what these feelings meant. She just needed to know what this meant to Yongsun, she couldn’t keep going in circles about this.

“So you’re saying there’s something to know then?” Byul says with an edge. _What does this mean to you?_

Yongsun gives her a look of anguish. Byul refuses to give her anything else, starring, waiting for an answer.

“Byul-ah...What do you want me to say? I’m afraid. I’m terrified that people will know. How are you not? I—” She pauses. Her voice exasperated, like she has finally run out of energy keeping it in. “I... I’m in love with you.”

It comes out wrangled and barely audible, her eyes widening in response, registering what it really meant for her to say those words. It wasn’t like all the other times she’s said it, this time there’s no pretenses as friends or as a joke. It’s just raw and exposed. And now she knows what it must’ve been like for Byul to say all those words earlier, how she had repeatedly walked all over those feelings time and time again. The time pacing and thinking by the river left her exhausted, and she just didn’t have it in her anymore to keep the truth from coming out, didn’t have it in her to keep hurting someone she loved.

Byul grabs her on the arm and looks deep into her eyes.

“First, we’re not fucked up.”

She says it with a valiant determination, as if trying to push the very belief out of Yongsun.

“Second... I love you too.”

She watches Yongsun take an unsteady breath and whatever’s left to break open in Yongsun does.

Yongsun leans forward and pulls Moonbyul into tight embrace, her breath breaking out into one loud sob. She clings desperately onto her back, feeling a placated calm rush through her as she begins to feel Byul’s heart beat against her. She holds her harder than she’s ever done, full of fear and love and everything in between. She feels Byul murmur words into her hair on one side and she loses the remaining control she’s been trying to hold on to, resting her weight against Byul’s body, listening to her gentle words.

“You know, I tried to make everything like it was before too. If you truly wanted to be just friends, if this isn't what you really want--” Moonbyul stops mid-sentence to pull away just a little, holding Yongsun by her shoulders to look her in the eye again. “I’ll do it.”

Byul’s fighting every emotion in her body, desperately trying to mask the tremble in her voice as she says “friends”. She doesn’t know if she can do it. She knows Yongsun feels something, she saw that much in her eyes back at the apartment and again right now, but she also knows how hard it is for Yongsun to open up to feelings and she knows the torrent of judgments that would come if anyone ever found out. Maybe “friends” is all she can hold onto at this point. Part of her regrets having pushed Yongsun to talk this out, but she also knew things weren’t going to work the way it was going before. The hard part now is that once everything is out in the open, like Pandora’s box, they couldn’t just stick what came out back where it came from.

“I don’t want— I can’t—.” Yongsun shakily exhales again. “Fuck. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t just have pieces of you like before. What you said at my place earlier, I--” Her words get swallowed in her emotions.

"When it's just us. Let's _be_ us. No more pretending." Byul searches for confirmation her in the eyes. "And you don't get to walk out again. Just _talk_ to me."

Yongsun nods and whispers “ _I promise”,_ a certainty settling between them. She leans against Byul again, both of them glad that, for once, they didn't feel like everything they were feeling was going to tear them apart from the inside.

Hearing those words consoles Byul. It makes her feel like they’re on the same page, struggling with what they want and what their reality looks like. She no longer feels like she getting so far ahead of Yongsun that she’s starting to lose her. She plays gently with Yongsun's fingers, trying to see some sort of path for them that doesn't jeopardize their entire career.

"We just-- we can't slip up. We have to keep it together." Byul looks questionably at Yongsun, almost asking if she thinks this is all possible, if they can pull apart the personal and professional part of their lives so distinctly and keep it all under wraps at the same time.

"Well it's not like what we were trying was working." Yongsun laughs softly. She pauses, struggling to get out her next words. "I don’t want to fight anymore. I…I can't do this without you."

Byul looks down at her lap, as if suddenly embarrassed. "I'm not going anywhere." She whispers.

They sit in their embrace for a while, the silence no longer an emptiness that surrounds them, reassured by the temporary stability their promise holds. Yongsun brings her legs up onto the couch, half leaning on Byul as they close their eyes and just breathe.

Yongsun breaks the silence after a while.

"We need to talk to them." It is half unspoken because they both know what this struggle has been doing to Wheein and Hyejin.

"I know." Byul pauses. "Hyejin knows."

Yongsun sits up and swivels her head around. She wasn't really worried. She'd trust the maknae's with her life, but yet there's this insecurity that wraps around her, a reflex from being so used to holding all this a secret. "How?"

"She just knew. She just knows stuff. She's got eyes like a hawk." Byul tries to joke. "She's the reason why I'm ok Yong. She just knew what to say."

"God, is it that obvious?" Yongsun laughs half-heartedly, disbelief coating her tone. How had she gone that long living in her own head, oblivious to everything else?

"I don't know. I just know they know us better than anyone."

"Yeah. I'd trust them with anything."

"What do we tell them?"

"That we're okay. For real."

//

They don't really get a chance to talk to Wheein and Hyejin, but it becomes apparent to them that they almost don't need to. It's obvious to the other two when Yongsun reaches for Byul wrist as they were joking with the make-up staff behind the stage. Wheein takes a swift glance at the two of them laughing and literally sighs with relief, exchanging a look with Hyejin. There were still unspoken thoughts that lingers, questions she didn't know how to ask, but that could wait.

Yongsun eventually catches Wheein walking into practice room and shuffles in after her, feeling a little ridiculous they have to try so hard to get a moment without people flitting around them all the time. Wheein turns at the closing of the door behind her.

"Unnie! You scared me." She chuckles.

"Sorry." Yongsun smiles sheepishly. A silence lingers. Damn. This was a lot harder to bring up than she imagined in her head. "Uhh..."

Wheein catches the drift and smiles a little. "You and Byul-yi unnie doing okay now?"

"Yeah... we kind of... uh...we're okay." The plan was to say a lot more than that. Yongsun huffs in frustration. How do you explain something that she herself hasn't figured out completely?

"I'm glad. Really."

Yongsun sighs. Were they even talking about the same thing?

"Did you talk to Hyejin? About Byul-- about us?"

"Yeah." Wheein says softly, nodding understandably. “You guys have really thought about this haven’t you?”

"I think we owe you an explanation. I'm sorry I haven't been there, that we haven't been working as well... It was uh... more than a fight."

"Hearing you talk about it like this, it makes sense. I mean, I sort of guessed with Hyejin but we weren’t sure. Took you long enough didn’t it?” She smiles.

Okay. They were definitely talking about the same thing.

“But…” Wheein suddenly grimaces before sighing. “Realistically speaking…what are you going to do if people find out?”

Yongsun's eyes falter. She hates that she can't talk about this without feeling like she's doing something she's not supposed to.

“I didn't really think that far. How did you know? How the hell are we going to keep this a secret?”

“Well we basically spend every hour with you guys take sleeping and going to the bathroom." Wheein rolls her eyes. "It’s different.”

“You’re not helping. You’re also surprisingly okay with this." Yongsun pauses, examining Wheein's face for any indication she wasn't. "You don't have to be, you know. This isn't just our careers, it's all of ours, and I get it. I get it if you don't think it's worth risking for.”

Wheein laughs and repeats herself. “I’m glad. _Really_. Seeing you like this, all things considered, is actually funny. You're flustered."

Yongsun gives her a pointed look. Wheein returns a smile.

"You love her.” Wheein squeezes her unnie’s hand. “Trust me, people won't see what they don't want to see. Just... be careful. I don’t want you guys to get hurt.” Her look turns a little more serious. “Did you really think I wouldn’t be okay with this?”

“Well...I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of all of this."

"Are you happy?"Yongsun smiles shyly and Wheein doesn't even need an answer. "Yeah."

She pulls Yongsun in for a hug.

//

Yongsun is almost done fitting her outfits for the concert performances, it took a good couple weeks to finalize it all but she was ecstatic they finally get to showcase what they can do. She lays exhausted and splayed out across the couch by the fitting rooms, waiting for the staff to come around to check the measurements on her last outfit and for all the other members to finish up. But things were easier, she could work easier, think easier, _breathe_ easier.

It was the nice kind of exhaustion that fills you with satisfaction because you like what you accomplish and you love what you do. And she can do that because it doesn’t hurt to be in the room as Byul anymore. She gets to play with her like she used to, embellish in the squeal that infrequently escapes her when she gets surprised. Everything is just lighter.

"Oh my god. Are we really wearing this?" Byul exclaims from inside her change room.

"What are you trying on now?" Yongsun calls from outside.

"The shirt. It's literally just a shirt. It looks like I have no pants. Isn't it too much?"

Yongsun clues into which one she's talking about. "It fits the song Byul. It spells Words Don't Come Easy. The staff said it's good."

Byul groans. Yongsun chuckles knowing how much she hates showing too much skin. "I'll try and get you longer shorts."

She walks to the rack in the other room and combs through some of the other sizes, looking for a pair of longer white shorts. She pulls two off the rack and stalks back to the fitting rooms in her heels. She almost bumps into Hyejin as the curtain for one of rooms flies open. "Sorry!" Hyejin calls as she fixes the belt buckle on her pants.

Yongsun peeks her head around the other stall, pulling the curtain open slightly as she thrusts the shorts to Byul.

"Try this."

She intended to hand her the shorts and leave but instead she stood there, taking the outfit in.

 _Oh_ , she knew she had a thing for Byul in dress shirts, but this was different. Perhaps it was the lack of pants for the “morning after” look, or just the fact that she understands what she's feeling now, because she couldn’t get this thought out of her head. That she really, _really_ wanted to take that shirt off.

So instead of leaving, she steps inside and pulls the curtain close behind her. The room feels a little smaller with both of them in it and Byul takes a small step backwards before turning around and looking at herself in the mirror.

She starts tugging at the helm of the shirt, seemingly trying to make the shirt longer. She groans.

"Let me try those pants." Byul turns around to face Yongsun, not completely unaware of the close proximity and reaches for the shorts still in Yongsun's hands.

"At least we look good, even if it makes me look pant-less."

Byul huffs and pouts, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. Yongsun laughs with disbelief, tilting her head sideways as if contemplating something.

"What _is_ it about you?" She murmurs, her fingers moving to tuck a piece of hair behind Byul's ear, unable to conceal the adoration she had in the moment. Byul eyes goes wide with the touch, before smiling and looking away abashedly. The feeling tugs at Yongsun’s stomach, and she finally understands why Byul tries so often to get her flustered, because she’d do anything to keep that look on Byul’s face right now.

It makes her warm, free to _feel_ , like she could finally do anything she wants. It makes her bold. Bold enough to take a step closer, brush her lips lightly against Byul’s cheeks before whispering in her ear, “Don’t worry. You look _really_ good in that shirt.”

She pulls away slowly and the hunger she sees in Byul’s eyes makes her falter, her heart beating loud and obnoxiously in her ears. She couldn’t help but let her eyes flicker to Byul’s lips and it was all Byul needed to pull their lips together, gentle and exploring without the same frustration they used to hold so compulsively. Yongsun could feel herself wanting more, one hand gripping the back of Byul’s neck when she feels Byul arms enclose around her waist.

“Unnie!” They hear Hyejin yell.

The two of them fly across the cramped fitting room in an instant, the reality of where they are sinking in. Yongsun hits her head on one of the hooks of the hanger and mutters _fuck,_ rubbing ferociously at the back of her head. They are both breathing heavily, adrenaline flowing quickly, equal parts fear and exhilaration.

“Yeah?” Yongsun asks, hoping she sounded a lot more stable than she felt, the only thing hiding her insecurity the curtain to the change room.

“Costumes unnie wants to see your last outfit.”

“Yeah, okay. Coming.” She squeezes Byul’s hand, half a reassurance for herself and pulls the curtain back open.

She almost bumps into Hyejin again, except this time Hyejin stands like a wall in front of her, giving her a look like she knew everything that happened behind that curtain. How does she fucking know everything?

“Did Byul-yi unnie need help putting those pants on?” She whispers a little mockingly.

Yongsun blushes. “Uh. Yeah.”

Hyejin chuckles. “Costumes unnie really does need you.” She grabs Yongsun lightly on her arm and says gently. “I’m not always going to be here to catch it. Unless you’re ok with people finding out.”

Yongsun nods appreciatively. “I know. Thanks Hyejin.”

They really needed to get their shit together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand it gets happier ;) hope you guys enjoy it.


	7. Chapter 7

The lights. The chants. The mass of people. It’s beyond spectacular and stunning.

The four of them stand hand-in-hand bowing at the finale of their encore concert, the stage smoke caught at the back of their throats, watching pieces of confetti drift slowly to the floor around them. Byul’s hand grips tightly onto Yongsun’s, her pulse bounding and the sounds from the crowd reverberant in her ears.

She could never quite describe this feeling. A feeling like she’s no longer standing on stage but floating above, sounds and colours never staying still, surrounded by a surreal number of people cheering. For them.

They clamber down the stairs towards the back stage, the adrenaline of the performance still radiating like electricity. In fact, Byul could barely feel her legs, needing the railing to guide her. It was emotional. Even she couldn’t hold her tears in on stage, an immensity of feelings overflowing in her, all the moments of exhaustion prior worthy in retrospect.

She tugs on Yongsun’s sleeve as they stalk down the corridors, still clad in their stage outfits, pride emanating off of them.

Byul needed to feel her hand, needed something to ground her in the exhilaration of it all, and Yongsun knows, grips her hand briefly and squeezes it, fingers interlocking for just a second. The corridor is narrow backstage, crammed with black storage units and boxes lining the walls. Byul watches her hair sway as she walks and couldn’t help but get swept up by how beautiful she looks. Especially now, when their feelings are magnified, overwhelmed by the performances. And a little part of her hurts because she could never pull her by the collar of her jacket and kiss her like she wanted to here.

So she settles and drapes her arms over her shoulders from behind instead, whispers _I love you_ barely audible by her ears. She sees Yongsun turn and smile contently, mouthing _me too_ as they continue to walk to their dressing room. It’s enough in the moment.

In the corner of her eye she spots the staff with the camera, several feet back down the corridor, filming for the behind-the-scenes shots. Sometimes it feels a little suffocating being watched all the time, the need to hide a little of themselves compulsive. Occasionally she slips up. She knows she should try harder, but it’s hard to when sometimes Yongsun lets a bit of herself go and does things like hooking their pinky fingers together when no one is looking.

They just couldn’t fuck up. Hyejin scaring the shit out of them in the dressing room was enough to keep them on their toes. Most of the time it’s fine, they’re busy enough that their minds couldn’t stay focused on one thing for too long anyways.

But then there are moments she’s scared she can’t hide enough of it.

Moments like now, when the summer air hits them with a cloud of humidity as they eventually exit out the back door. They finished wrapping up the concert. Manager unnie is still arranging the rides for them to leave with Yongsun when Yongsun stops the conversation midway and turns around. She slows down and catches Byul’s pace, who was trailing behind them as she scrolled through her phone.

She catches Byul’s eyes and nonchalantly slips her hand into Byul’s, pulling her closer gently.

“Come over?” She whispers by her ear. “To my place?”

Yongsun’s eyes are searching, but calm and maybe even a little playful, as if she just asked Byul if she wanted a burger or a sandwich. Byul has to struggle to keep her reaction in check, scared she’ll let everyone read what’s in her mind, especially with their manager unnie staring at the two of them, her conversation on hold.

Yongsun is _never_ like this in front of cameras, and her heart races a little when she sees this side of her. She’s almost mad that she was being careless about all this. Byul thinks maybe she was still impulsive from the high off the concert.

She nods and Yongsun beams in response, resuming her conversation and catching up with their manager again in a few quick strides. Byul breathes a little more unsteady than before. There’s really never a dull moment with her.

When she shows up at Yongsun’s door stripped from the performance make-up in an oversized hoodie, she can’t help but smile at the fact it feels like she’s coming home. Yongsun drags her in by her arm and pushes her against the closing door with both hands on her shoulders, her lips following close behind as they fill a need that’s been lingering since they walked off the stage. The kisses between them have been growing to become second nature as they fit in each other’s spaces. But they’re both exhausted, adrenaline long gone from their system. And when they end up in the bedroom, there’s only sloppy intermittent kisses and they’re content with falling asleep in a tangle of limbs.

 

//

 

Byul slams her fridge shut as she pulls out a couple beers and a bottle of soju. She weaves the bottles between her fingers as she saunters out into her living room, the bottle opener held between her teeth. They had a lull after the insanity of the concerts, rare occasions where the four of them actually disperses to do their own things, reminding them they had a life before the industry consumed them. Byul elbows the light switch as the walks by the couch, lighting the room up, conveniently timed as she hears a knock on her door.

She sets the bottles down and swings the door open to Wheein pulling the hood of her jacket down. 

“Unnie!” Wheein smiles and wraps her arms around her.

“You just get back?” Her voice is muffled by Wheein’s large jacket.

Wheein nods, slipping her arms out of the jacket as she walks past Byul.

“Did you get makgeolli?” Wheein asks as she glances at the snacks and drinks scattered on the coffee table.

Byul walks up to her and smacks her lightly on the back of her head.

“That’s the first thing you ask me?” Byul scoffs ludicrously. “No _how was your break unnie_? You and your damn alcohol.” She mutters.

Wheein plants herself down and grins.

“How was your break unnie?!” She retorts with an animated imitation.

“Why do I put up with you?” Byul sighs exaggeratedly and moves to crack open the drinks. “I didn’t have time to run to the store today, this is whatever’s left in the fridge.”

She hands the open bottle to Wheein and mutters with feigned politeness, “here you go, Wheein- _ssi_ ”.

“Did you go home?” Wheein asks with a sincerity now.

“Yeah, spent a couple days there, my sister has finally overtaken my room.” She laughs.

They spend the next little while catching up, the break away from spending everyday with each other bringing back an excitement that fuels their friendship. At some point Wheein blurts out, “how are you and unnie?”.

Wheein looks expectantly at her.

“We’re good.” Byul’s words come out slow, clearly meaning a lot more than the two words could carry and stares down at her lap with a smile so genuine that even surprises Wheein a little.

“You think things will stay this way?” Byul looks up with an uncertainty.

“What do you mean?”

“You think we can live a life in secret?”

“You and Yongsun unnie?”

“Well yeah. But we all live this lie now. I just— I get…” Byul’s voice trails off, trying to explain how she’s feeling. “I’m so happy it scares me.” She laughs. “Does that even make sense?”

“God, would you look at yourself? You used to whine to me about how annoying couples are together.”

“I’m not like that…” Byul sulks and Wheein bursts out with a cackle.  

“Unnie, you look happy. Just live in the present. Sometimes it’s just that easy. Well not _easy_ easy, but you know what I mean.”

“Oh would you look at that… _you_ telling _me_ not to worry about things. How things have changed.” Byul jokes with feigned surprise.

“I do _not_ worry all the time.”

“Sure…” Byul rolls her eyes with mocked playfulness.

Wheein swats her on the arm smiling, knowing Byul was right about her dwelling about everything and anything. “Don’t mock me unnie. I’ve been learning. It’s true, the more you worry the more you forget to _live_ right now.”

“Okay there elder Jung. Enough of the philosophical.” Byul laughs. “You and Hyejin should get together and start a counselling workshop.”

“I know right…? Inside Hyejin lies a wise old man.” Wheein jokes with a deadpan expression.

“ _Stop_.” Byul snickers and pushes Wheein away still laughing.

Her tone changes, a seriousness encompassing her as Byul directs the conversation back. “It’s just… you know I kind of _have_ to worry. This isn’t just some scandal.”

Wheein’s look borderlines on sympathetic.

Byul continues. “Before we all left for the break, kind of after the concert, CEO actually came and _congratulated_ me and Yongsun.” Sarcasm coats her voice, leaving a feeling of distaste. “He thinks we’re doing a good job _playing_ on stage and for an audience, which I mean, I guess we are. It’s fun. It’s just not what he’s thinking. If he knew…” Byul scoffs at the irony.

“Wheein… is that bad? I don’t know if I can keep it all separate.”

“Unnie—”

“It’s going to mess up. I don’t want to mess this up.” Byul sighs irritated. “It’s good right now.” Her words drift off, letting fear slip with a quiver in her voice.

“Well, it’s worked so far right?” Wheein’s voice lilts with uncertainty, not entirely sure if there’s an answer to this, frustrated she couldn’t give a better answer.

“Yeah, but— I—, if people find out—.”

“Then we’ll deal with it.” Wheein grips Byul’s hand in confirmation.

“You say that as if it could be dealt with.”

“We’ll deal with it.” She repeats with certainty for reassurance, starring into Byul’s eyes. She smiles to lighten the mood. “Just go enjoy your cringy love right now. You’re doing everything the company wants you to do anyways.”

Byul nods and leans her head against Wheein’s shoulders.

“And… that,” Wheein leans forward to grab the soju, “is why alcohol exists.” She pours a full shot-glass and sticks it in Byul’s hand. “Drink up. Don’t lose sleep over this. It _can_ work. I know you guys.” Wheein says the words half as a prayer. 

Byul downs the shot.

 

//

 

Yongsun struggles with her bag, ruffling through a disarray of items to find her keys, her other hand pre-occupied with the take-out she picked up. Her cap slips a little lower as she searches, shrouding part of her vision. There were some downsides to being recognizable.

She eventually hooks her fingers around her keys and stumbles into her apartment to find Byul on her laptop tapping furiously at her keyboard. Byul looks up at the sound, her glasses dropping a little lower on her face and grins at her before resuming her activities.

“If I knew you were coming over I would’ve ordered more.” Yongsun says placing all her things on the floor to pull her boots off. “And. If you’re just sitting there playing games, I would’ve asked for some _help_.”

She sighs helplessly, teasing Byul, knowing that she wasn’t really annoyed, not with the pleasant surprise she feels.

“I’m winning.” She says, still focused on her laptop. “And I’m hungry.” She looks up and grins playfully again.

Yongsun drops the food on the coffee table and splays out on the couch next to Byul.

“Didn’t you have a schedule today? When did you have time to lounge around?”

“Nope. It’s tomorrow. And. Playing is part of my schedule.” She says it as if it were common-sense. 

“Well I’m tired.” Yongsun whines a little, resting her head against Byul’s shoulders to watch her screen.

Byul chuckles and places a kiss on her head, glancing briefly away from the screen. She looks again after a short while to see Yongsun pout.

“Yes. Okay I’m done.” She dons a look of amusement as she pulls the laptop close, moving to pull the food out the bags. Byul’s shift in position leaves Yongsun’s weight to free fall into the space she was occupying before, her shoulder dropping clumsily into the couch.

“Hey!”

Byul turns around mid-movement and laughs, her hand automatically going to swipe away the stray hairs that had fallen into Yongsun’s face. “Sorry! I’m _helping_!” She jokes and alludes at Yongsun quip earlier.  

It was easy in the comforts of their own home. And since they started accepting whatever this was between them, Yongsun realized things weren’t really all that different to how it used to be. They had been doing this for a while already, she was just too blind to see it all before, too caught up in fear to see anything else.

They eat to the music Yongsun occasionally leaves playing whenever she’s at home, reliving a fan encounter Byul had on the streets today, laughing at how disheveled and embarrassed Byul had been when it happened.

She’s started feeling like herself again, something she didn’t even realize she lost over the years, revealing a completely uninhibited part of her that she lets go when Byul is around. 

They start to clean up after and she starts swaying her hips to the music spontaneously as a song she knows begins to play. She feels Byul watching her and maybe her pulse picks up a little. She takes the containers to the trash, still singing the lyrics to the song. Then turns and stares at her, eyes hungry, playfully curling her fingers as she dances freely, beckoning Byul to come closer yet backing herself away. Her gaze becomes smug, eyes narrowing, licking lips that begins to smirk, something she reserves for performances, an act of seduction she _knows_ she can pull off.

Byul eyes are dark and steely, solely focused on her, and when Yongsun finds herself smiling so genuinely, she realizes she _likes_ this. She likes Byul watching her, likes knowing the effect she has, likes being this person she brings out in her.

She laughs shortly after, spinning around and breaking the tension a little. She makes light of her dance and resumes cleaning the coffee table, uncertain what spurs her to do these things.  

Byul chuckles weakly, trying to shake her head out of the moment, unable to conceal a desire so blatant. Yongsun watches her resolve weaken, taking side-glances, curious as to how she would respond. But Byul just clears her throat after squeezing her eyes shut for just a second.

“We need new pictures for the fan-cafe.” The change in topic is not unwelcomed. They both pretend not to hear the rasp in her voice.

“Yeah?” Yongsun shuffles into the kitchen to wash the table cloth at the sink. Byul takes out her phone.

“Okay. Well, stop cleaning.” Byul laughs. “And dancing.” She mutters to herself.

“Come…”

“Wait. Let me finish. I look like a mess, can’t we do it tomorrow?”

“That’s what you said yesterday.”

“Uh… really?”

“You’re done cleaning! You look great. It’s authentic.” Byul lays splayed out on the couch waiting. “It’s cute.”

“Well…You take one then.”

“I am! Of you.” She laughs. Byul gets up and stalks over to where Yongsun is still adamantly putting things away into the cupboards.

“Come on…” Byul tugs at Yongsun’s wrist at which point Yongsun whines loudly.

“I don’t want to.” Her voice imitating a kid.

Byul’s mouth hangs wide open with eyebrows raised. “You’re using agyeo on purpose?”

“No…” Yongsun pulls back with a pout.

“Yes.” She nods purposefully. “Yes, you are.”

“No…” Yongsun continues, beginning to grin cheekily, knowing full well she was taking advantage of how this was playing out. “Can we just take them tomorrow?”

She sticks out her bottom lip just a little for good measure.

Byul stands staring for just a while, astonishment filling her eyes, almost out-right laughing at herself. Damn it. She couldn’t believe she’d fall for this.

“You know. You can’t just do that every time you want something?”

Yongsun grin spreads a little wider. She leans in close to peck Byul on the cheek and whisper by her ear. It’s becoming one of her favourite things to do because Byul could never quite control her reaction with her so close to her ears.

“ _Yes_. Yes, I can.”

She watches expectantly from the corner of her eye for Byul’s mouth to hang open just a little, her expression stagnant with unfocused eyes that widen ever so slightly momentarily. God, she loves the effect it has on her and wonders if she will always feel this swell in her heart.

“So can we go get dessert now?” She says with a shamelessly innocent tone.

“Now?”

“Well you ate all my food.”      

Byul recovers quickly, rolling her eyes and sighing exaggeratedly. “Yes. Your highness, let’s go.”   

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all those who don't know makgeoli is a rice wine. And I'm baaaack. I really shouldn't have been working on this story since I have a million other things to do but how could I not with all those teaser things coming out. Who's ready to die and revive with this comeback???? Hope this chapter was a fun read, I'm still trying to decide where I'm going with the story haha. Contemplating finishing this up in several chapters and then writing an AU for moonsun............... should I???? And as always, mega thanks for the love and comments, you guys have made me start to love writing, constructive criticism is always welcomed. Until next time... hopefully not too long but who knows I'm a procrastinator :')


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE:  For any kind soul that’s still wanting to read this haha sorry it's been months.....lol life got difficult. And I ended up putting this on hold. I didn't really start this story thinking it'd be this long, and because it’s a non-AU fic I didn’t really know where to appropriately take it or how far I would go. But…I didn’t really want the story hanging so I wrote this chapter to wrap it up! I am going to write other things!, please do check those out when I get around to it, thanks for any comments and love!!!! As always, let me know what you think :)

The air is humid, sticks to their skin like film and makes every movement less desirable than the last. Between getting off the van and walking into the airport is a frenzy of people hollering for them, taking pictures of them. They try not to take it for granted, drawing on a sense of elation that never truly dissipates, and wave politely, stalking through the doors as fast as the crowd allows them to. It’s hard to relinquish the freedom they once had, even with the gratitude for their success. Byul snakes her hand around Yongsun’s arm, pulling them ahead of security, a protective eminence that naturally comes to her.

Byul slips her passport from her back pocket to display, pulling down her mask momentarily for the agent and disappears behind the wall into the line for security. She could feel the fatigue setting in, the lack of sleep from the schedules for the last couple days catching up with her. She leans her weight back as she feels and hears Yongsun roll up closely behind her. Yongsun catches most of Byul’s weight with her body and slides a free hand onto her back to steady the both of them. Byul’s drops her head back and spins around, making eye contact before she closes her eyes wearily.

“You can sleep on the plane.” Yongsun murmurs. Her fingers slip around to Byul’s shoulder, squeezing gently then letting go.

Byul hums in agreement, shuffling backwards as they move ahead in line. They stand in silence for a while, waiting, when suddenly Byul breaks out with a small laugh. Her head drops a little with that same smile then leans over to Yongsun’s right ear to whisper, “you’ve got to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” Yongsun hushes back.

“Staring at my lips.”

Yongsun blushes, the sudden statement throwing her off. Was she even doing that?

“Tell me that when your hands stop wandering.” Yongsun cracks back at her. Two can play that game.

“Oh. I can’t promise that.” Byul retorts, her hand reaching for Yongsun’s abdomen.

Yongsun pushes her off and laughs. “Turn around. The line’s moving.”

Byul grins and turns back another time before Yongsun swivels her forward again.

The flight to Japan is silent with the exception of the rumble in the aircraft. Byul blinks her eyes open at landing; they’re dry and still saturated with fatigue. And when they finally arrive at the hotel, the sun was beginning to drop on the horizon, the orange backdrop of the sunset feeding a temptation to stay in the room and order room service.

She tugs weakly on Yongsun’s jacket when they enter their room.

“Can we stay in?” Byul’s voice is soft and suddenly reminds Yongsun of how subdued she could be when they were alone.

“Yeah, I'll text Wheein,” Yongsun smiles reassuringly, mirroring remnants of the same fatigue. “I’ll order food?”

“Whatever you’re having.” Byul concedes happily. She tugs a little harder on Yongsun’s jacket to turn her slightly and pecks her on the cheek, striding past her with her suitcase in hand.

After sleeping less in their own homes than hotel rooms for the last couple months, they flow into a pattern that’s become second nature to them. It’s routine and robotic to unpack their things and they quickly lay sprawled out on the hotel bed waiting for food.

Byul rests her head on Yongsun’s thigh, half-twisted horizontally on the bed, dozing in and out to whatever local television has on. Yongsun tends to emails on her tablet, propped up on pillows against the headboard. Between their insane schedules, moments like these makes it worth it, makes it work.

When the tell-tale knock comes at the door, Yongsun almost hesitates to wake Byul, but decides against it, knowing they haven’t had a proper meal since that morning. Byul groans as Yongsun tucks the hairs in front of her eyes behind her ears to wake her, leaning towards the touch then rolling herself off Yongsun.  

Not long after they eat Byul lays wrapped up in blankets watching TV mindlessly when a phone buzzes on the side-table. Lights blaze up reading “KDH CEO” on Yongsun’s phone.

“Unnie.” Byul states. “Phone.”

Yongsun’s head peaks out from the washroom. Her hair is held in a high bun with stray strands slipped free from the sides, and a toothbrush hangs from her mouth.

“Who?” She murmurs, eyes open quizzically.

“CEO.” Byul calls out.

“Uh…Le-- it ring.” She gargles. “I’ll call –im –ba.”

Byul snickers, baffled at her how she finds things like this about Yongsun endearing. “Okay, if you’re sure.”

It wasn’t even several minutes before Yongsun comes out and redials the number, moving to crouch by her suitcase as she returns CEO’s call. Byul wasn’t concerned, barely paying attention until Yongsun turned back towards the bed. She prides herself at how well she can read Yongsun, but anyone could pick up that she was upset, maybe a little flustered and frustrated. 

“Hey…” Byul inquires and scoots over on the bed. “Hey. What happened?” She pats on the space next to her, telling her to sit.

“No, it’s nothing. I…uh… just talked to our CEO.” Yongsun stammers and crawls into the bed. She’s hesitating. Sheets curl up next to her after she settles cross-legged next to Byul.

Byul’s reaches over, lightly prying Yongsun’s hand free from the grip she had on her own thigh. She grazes her fingers over Yongun’s repetitively, as if she was physically trying to draw out what was bothering her.

“And…?” Byul pushes.

“Uh… he was calling back because I went to talk to him. Before we left. I…gave him my song.”

That was enough for it to click. This wasn’t something Byul could fix.

“Oh. You finally showed it to him. What did he say…?” Byul holds her breath, already anticipating what Yongsun would say from her reaction, her hand reflexively gripping a little harder.

“He said…that— uh… he would keep it but he won't use it. I mean I guess there’s time. He wants me to try again.” Byul hears the smallest break in Yongsun’s voice near the end and knows this was more rejection than she could handle with the stress they’ve been dealing with. It’s apparent how she tries to hide the stress from the rest of them. It’s also wildly apparent how much work she’s been putting into the song; she’s been waiting for this. She lifts Yongsun’s chin gently with her fingers.

“Hey. Look at me. It’s okay.” Byul whispers gently, her heart breaks a little when she sees Yongsun blink rapidly to hold her tears, struggling to hold Byul’s gaze. And yet the eyes won’t hold those tears and Yongun’s fingers flies to cover them, still trying to shield her vulnerability.

“God, I don’t even know why I’m crying. It’s not a big deal, I… this happens all the time. I didn’t think it was going to go through anyways,” Yongsun rambles.

“I know that, but it’s okay to feel like this,” Byul says.

Yongsun closes her eyes and takes a couple deep breaths.

Byul wraps her arms around Yongsun and kisses her on her head.

“You heard the song.” Yongsun’s voice quietens. “Was it that bad?”

“ _Yong_.” Byul aches hearing the insecurity in her question, unable to even formulate something that she thinks could take that away.

She pulls back, holds Yongsun at arms-length, looks at the doubt circulating in her eyes.

“You’re special you know? Not just to me, because you already knew that. To everyone. You— how do I even put this?”

There’s a hint of bewilderment as she trails off and squeezes a little harder on her shoulders, “you…you see things that other people don’t see, seek a perfection that others don’t know exist. Work harder than what I thought was possible. You have talent, but it’s not just that...it grows because of what you do with it. You’re just… _special_. You’ll try again.” Byul laughs. “It’s what you do.”  

Yongsun drops her head down then looks up, her eyes struggling to stay open from the exhaustion and the crying. There are no words she could form to respond. Not to something like that. The way Byul laughed at the end, like it seemed so obvious, doubt never crossing her mind. Yongsun smiles lightly. Her eyes say everything Byul needs to know. There’s silence as she tells her thank you, that this was something she needed to hear.

Yongsun sits up and rests her forehead against Byul’s, breathing for a second before laughing hoarsely. “Well now you’re just feeding my ego.”

She tugs gently on Byul’s chin and kisses her sloppily.

“Thank you.” Yongsun murmurs against her lips, her hand dropping lazily from Byul’s chin to her chest, feeling her heartbeat against her palm.

“ _Always_.” Byul whispers.

 

//

 

The alarm goes off at 6 and through the slits of the curtains they could tell the sun had barely risen. Yongsun pulls her arm from under Byul’s torso to smack the alarm quiet, groaning and settling back in the covers, a moment of silence as they try to wake. She sees Byul attempt to sit up and instead throws her arms against her waist pulling her back down. She falls clumsily against Yongsun with a humph.

“What are you trying to do?” Byul murmurs into the dark. Her voice is even deeper laced with sleep, and if something has changed between their relationship, it’s that Yongsun gets to hear that pleasant deep rumble more and more waking with her recently.

“It’s too early.” Yongsun mumbles against her neck.

Byul chuckles. “Sadly that does not preclude our responsibilities.”

“What responsibility? Maybe they’ll just go away for a day.” Yongsun’s words are muffled against Byul’s neck, small breaths hitting the same area and lips moving to brush there lightly after. Byul stills and closes her eyes with an open-mouthed inhale. They’ve gotten closer and closer recently. And it gets harder and harder every time for Byul to control that need; but she wasn’t sure if they were ready to take things any further.

“You can’t do that now.” Byul’s voice is husky. She turns in Yongsun’s arms and pecks her on the forehead instead. Yongsun frowns, a little oblivious to the effect she has then.

“Why?”

“Yong.” She warns. It tics her have so little control over something. “Come on.” Byul says softly. “Let’s get up, lazy.”

Byul untangles herself to Yongsun’s dismay; a small whine coming from Yongsun as she succumbs and reaches over to turn on the lights.

“I’d rather not hear manager unnie’s passive aggressive comments about punctuality when we need to use those comments for Hyejin later.” Byul says jokingly as she makes her way to the bathroom.

They wake and get dressed, preparing for an interview that precedes their performances. In the bathroom they stand next to each other, a scatter of make-up lying on the sink counter.

“Ugh. I look good in this bomber. I should wear these jackets more often.” Byul says as she finishes curling her eyelashes and drops the curler on the counter.

“Byul. Stop. It’s too early for all this cockiness.” Yongsun looks at her through the mirror, giving her a once-over that lingers a tad too long. She holds back a sarcastic eye-roll.

Byul winks back at her. “But you like it.” Her words are a little soft, a hint of shyness under it all.

She turns sideways and pulls at Yongsun’s hips to turn her so that they were looking at each other. A grin fills her face, her thumb slipping under the edge of Yongsun's shirt, grazing back and forth on skin right above the belt.

Yongsun scoffs, smiling, a little flustered by the sudden change in tone and still holding her foundation bottle in her hand. “What’s _with_ you today?” She whispers, hands moving to hold onto Byul's arms, already leaning closer towards her lips.

“Nothing. Just thought I should point out the obvious.” Byul shrugs.

She stays unmoving, waiting for Yongsun to search for a kiss. And just before Yongsun makes contact, Byul releases her and pats her on the head instead, taking a step back as if she was unaware. “Unless you think I should change…” Byul trails teasingly, halting to smirk at Yongsun again.

“I don’t. You look good.” Yongsun states, her eyes steely with longing, looking at Byul with an intensity she could really never hide. And it’s always that intense look that gets her.

Byul laughs loudly, the sudden sincerity taking her by surprise.

“That’s what I thought.” She steps back in to brush a brief kiss on her lips, then turns to leave. “Well. I’m ready, and going to go for breakfast. I will--” Byul grabs the hotel card key and waves it at Yongsun to tell her she has it, “see you down there.”

Yongsun laughs to herself in the bathroom. The flutter she feels at the pit of her stomach is now a familiar reaction; the desire for Byul a welcomed sensation. She knows Byul was trying to make the morning lighter after yesterday and maybe that just makes the flutter a little worse.

 

 

//

 

It’s another several quick nights, blurred in with stage performances before they fly back for Seoul. Back home, they swiftly roll back into the flow of their lined-up schedules.

Byul sits on the floor of the practice room, back against one of the mirrors, gulping down water between heaves. She sees Hyejin lay flat out in the middle of the room and tosses the bottle at her once she’s had enough. It lands with a thump on Hyejin’s hip then rolls to the side.

“Ow!” Hyejin turns only her head in Byul’s direction. “You couldn’t get up and hand that to me nicely?” She reaches for the bottle, lifting her neck off the floor just enough to drink.

“If I had enough energy for that I would’ve tossed it onto your face.”

Hyejin tosses a now empty bottle back at Byul in retaliation and Byul holds her hands up to in defence laughing.

Wheein picks herself off the floor next to Byul, “okay, I’m ready. I’m so hungry I’m hallucinating fried chickens, let’s get this _done_.”

She hovers over Byul, holding her hand out to pull her up. They both groan excessively as she pulls her to stand.

Yongsun stands by the speakers, pulling her long ponytail into a messy bun. Byul couldn’t help but stare a little. It really wasn’t _fair._ The way the little strands on the sides stick to her flushed face, and the sweat that coats her neck and back as she holds her hands in her hair. How she could look somewhat meticulous after dancing like that for the last couple hours. It didn’t help that she only had on a sports bra. And she could see the lines of her abdomen, toned, almost sculpted.

Byul feels a smack at the back of her head.

“Concentrate hot-stuff.” Hyejin mutters, walking past her. “Maybe you need a little more water.”

Byul throws a glare back at her. She could concentrate.

Yongsun slaps her hands together suddenly. “Okay! Leggo. We’ll add the mics in at the end to run.”

They grudgingly get into position. But it’s crazy how fast they snap into it. And they run the same parts, adding in whatever they come up with. Most of it works well, until they get a little more exhausted and it gets a little easier for anything to set them off.

“Byul you’re flat. Just the last note of your verse.” Yongsun states bluntly.

“I know.”

“You know? You want me to play it again?”

“No.” She huffs, a little ticked. Byul closes her eyes and breathes. “I’ll work on it later. Can we just figure out the choreography first?”

The rest of them nod.

They play through the same twenty seconds of the song, trying to work on the transitions from the dance break back into the chorus. Byul tries to work with the choreography but bumps into Wheein again as she does a turn to get back into their formation.

“Byul-ah, that part looks weird.” Yongsun mutters.

“I can’t physically make that distance because you want me in the front and then all the way there in like one second. I told you the sequence is off.” Byul exclaims.

“You take too large of turn going back, just cut straight through.”

“That looks even weirder!”

Wheein eyes widen and gives Hyejin a side glance.

“Maybe we all just rotate back? And Byul-yi unnie will do half the distance.” Wheein steps in, pulling Byul into her previous position as she flows to the back.

Yongsun sighs, “sure. Maybe she’ll hit her note then.” And the moment she said it she knew she shouldn’t have but she could have care less at the time. She watches Byul grit her teeth and clench her jaw, the silent look delivering more wrath than words could. But Byul complies anyways. Works with the new orientation and they get the flow of the sequence together.

Once they’re somewhat satisfied, Wheein and Hyejin fly out of the room, whether that be from hunger or from the overly passive aggressive flare that fills the room even in simple conversation. They’ve learnt over the years that some quarrels tend to resolve better without intervention.

Byul moves to sit by the piano, pulling her phone out for her recordings. Yongsun takes a side-glance when Byul wasn’t making an effort to leave.

“Well are we still getting dinner?” Yongsun asks, trying to tame the fire between them.

“No. I need to practice my note, remember?” Byul bites.

“God that’s not how I meant it.”

Byul sighs and runs her hand through her hair after pulling it out from a pony-tail. “Yeah well it’s true. Just go, I’ll eat later.”

Yongsun groans. It kills her to still find it attractive when Byul ruffles her hair like that. Even when she wants to strangle her a little.

“Just _go_.” Byul repeats frustrated.

“I hate you right now.” Yongsun snaps, biting on her bottom lip and closing her eyes to breathe and keep her irritation controlled. She walks for the door, knowing Byul knew exactly how to press her buttons. How she hates it when she tells her to go.

Byul grabs her phone again and swivels herself towards the piano in the room, playing the notes a lot harder than she needed. A half-hour later she was still planted in the same room, listening to the new arrangement for their song. She was never productive when she was pissed. She twists around at the sound of the practice room door opening and sees Yongsun with take-out bags in both hands. Maybe she smiles a little. Maybe.

Yongsun huffs as she drops the bags on the floor by the speakers. “Here. Dinner.”

Byul looks up from her chair and catches her gaze, sees Yongsun pout a little with her huff and her smile gets a just little wider because she knows that’s the kind of apology between them today. And maybe that irritation has dissipated.

She gets up and squats by the bags, unravelling the stuff and looks up at Yongsun.

“Is there a time when you’ll get sick of tteokbokki?” Byul teases, surrendering her apology for earlier. She tugs at Yongsun’s hand for her to sit down, holding it a little longer than she needed.

“Not possible.” Yongsun states as she lets Byul pull her down. “I did buy other stuff… for you.” She mutters under her breath to Byul’s amusement.

As they eat, Yongsun turns and asks, “you done practicing?” There’s a lilt to the question.

Byul just gives her look, almost ready to sigh again in anticipation of the conversation about practice. But Yongsun just jumps in with another question.

“You want to watch a movie after?” And Byul looks at her again, laughing before she nods. It’s always that easy with Yongsun.

 

//

 

It’s just before midnight and Yongsun lays in her room in the dark waiting for sleep to claim her.

Sleep wasn’t usually a problem. She used to clock out in seconds. Yet, now she’s been staring at the little light from her laptop charger for the last half-hour. She hates admitting it but after all that travelling maybe she’s gotten used to sharing a bed. Or maybe it’s just all the thoughts that run through her head.

_Always._

Byul had said she’d _always_ be there for her back in Japan. And it felt so definite, like there was no other reality but them together. It surprised Yongsun because she didn’t question it; she felt complacent with the feeling. No, it was more than that. She wanted that feeling.

Which would be ridiculous. Down-right reckless. Because something like _forever_ isn’t a luxury she’s considered for herself. Especially not a relationship like this, in a career like this. But they’ve tried fighting it, and it was obviously so much better not fighting it. But what does that mean?

The next day she meets Byul for lunch, strolls into a small family-run restaurant by their apartment buildings. They talk about little things. Laugh about little things. Byul throws her head back to cackle loudly at a picture of Yongsun’s dog with a piece of shit stuck to his behind. Yongsun finds herself grinning ear-to-ear at her before she even realises, catches herself starring at her eyes, her _lips._ And she just knows she’ll always want her as more than a friend.

That evening after work, she rings Byul’s door instead.

“Yong.” Byul breathes.

“Missed me?” Yongsun teases as she kicks her shoes off.

“It’s been like 8 hours unnie.” Her eyebrows raise with a smile.

Byul turns and walks into her living room to resume folding her laundry, hauling it off into her closet as Yongsun makes herself comfortable on the couch in front of the TV. When Byul returns, she picks up Yongsun’s feet by the ankles and plops down, placing Yongsun’s legs back on her thighs.

“Not that I mind you coming. Don’t you have a meeting early tomorrow? It’s getting late.” Byul’s hand’s rest on her feet, the weight comfortably grounding her.

“Can we talk?” Yongsun needs to get some things straight. She pulls her legs off of Byul and sits up, shifting herself into the other woman’s space a little.

Byul’s head turns, brows frowning a little. “About?”

“Us?”

Byul pulls away to look at her.  A hesitant look encompasses her, her hands slipping away, back sitting straighter.  The flash with concern in her eyes brings Yongsun to move her hand down to grip Byul’s.

“No. No. That’s not it. It’s just... what are we?” Yongsun feels a vulnerability flow through her. Byul eyes soften but hesitates in answering, the two of them just looking in each other. It’s almost like they could speak that way.

“I don’t know.” Byul says with a soft chuckle. “I don’t have all the answers. What do you want us to be?”

“I…” Yongsun trails, she knows she initiated the conversation but suddenly her throat was dry and constricted and she wishes she was better at saying what she meant.

“I know it’s not that simple but not for the world.” Byul adds. “For us.”

How was she supposed to answer that?

Byul’s voice is gentle, genuinely letting Yongsun decide what she really wants.

And it’s clear. It’s clear how much she wants her. That part wasn’t hard. It was easy, with the two of them sitting by each other, alone and away from it all. Somehow without even trying, these moments were always charged between them; a physical pull she never understood. Everything that made it so difficult to ignore before. The air always feels thick around Byul, even when they’re fighting it’s like it’s just an overflow of energy between them.

She realizes she’s been thinking too long. Byul’s eyes starts to search hers, desperately trying to read something, and there’s fear. Yongsun sees it in the way Byul started to pick unconsciously at her nails, waiting for her to say something.

So she takes the easy way out, because words were never easy for her and she doesn’t know where to even begin. There’s an intensity in her gaze, desire so apparent when she grabs Byul’s nervously ticking hand, to make her look up and see all the things she wants to say.

That this scares her, but she wants her, wants to _be_ hers and… that she’ll always love her.

The tension feels like it’ll break her. Yongsun hears her pulse throbbing in her ears. The only words she ends up getting out is quiet.

“I want to be yours.”

She doesn’t even know if that makes sense to Byul, if she fully understands the depth to her words; the feeling of belonging when she’s with her, amongst all the other madness in her life.

But then Byul’s eyes flash wide, like it’s the last thing she expected to hear. The flicker of disbelief is evident as she looks at Yongsun but there’s a tenderness, almost tangible, in the way Byul’s eyes start to shimmer.

And when Yongsun sits up and leans over, fingers threading through Byul’s, she knows this time it’s different. She captures Byul’s lips in one quick movement, unable to hover in the heaviness of the moment any longer, melting into the softness Byul always catches her in.

It’s fierce. Desperate.

It tries to substitute their confessions, tries to say confusion, lust and love altogether at once and it quickly consumes them.

Byul sighs into the kiss, pushing back at her. Yongsun’s lips drift open and Byul’s tongue swipes gently along her bottom lip, spurring her to tug at Byul’s bottom lip between her teeth. Her pulse quickens with the noise that escapes from Byul, eager to hear it again this time.

Byul’s hands fly up her face, one to cup her cheek and the other to grip the back of her head, fingers weaving deep into her hair. Yongsun inhales deeply as she tries to pull her closer than they already were, her hands grasping as she tries to hold onto the younger girl’s arms.

A flicker of their fight, which seemed so far away now, crosses her mind and she remembers telling Byul how she ruined her. How she couldn’t deal with the feelings back then, when she was around her all the time, her touch lingering, her smell occupying everything.

The smell of her now, it still overwhelms her; she doesn’t think that’d ever change, she just ruins her in a different way now. In a fucking good way.

Yongsun shifts to lean back against the couch pulling Byul gently with her. Breaking the kiss for a short moment, Byul scoots over onto her, straddling her thighs as she leans back in for another kiss. Yongsun’s world begins to spin, the position so much more intimate with Byul’s core against her abdomen. Her hands claws at Byul’s back, trying to pull her flush against herself. Her fingers slides down Byul’s torso from the sides to seek a sliver of exposed skin between her shirt and the seam of her gym shorts. Byul’s abdomen flutters slightly from the touch and she groans softly before pulling away from Yongsun’s lips.

They’re both breathing heavily at this point, but Byul is unrelenting, attaching her lips above Yongsun’s collarbone, each touch soft and gliding up her neck. Yongsun gasps. How could she have lived a full-blown life into adulthood never knowing that she could feel so much.

It all makes sense now.

She feels like she is on fire. An excitement fills her.

Byul murmurs words Yongsun can’t make out into her neck when Yongsun’s hands start to roam up the shirt, skimming the lower borders of her ribs. There’s a loud inhale before Byul pushes herself off of the older girl, breathing haggard as she pulls her gaze up to match Yongsun’s.

“Are you sure about this?” Byul rasps leaning forward to rest her forehead against Yongsun, the feeling of the moment making her a little dizzy, knowing where this was starting to lead.

“I want you.” It was simple. Yongsun says it so matter-of-factly that Byul doesn’t quite process it right away. The silence cues the insecurities and Yongsun starts to ramble. “But I mean... if you want to talk about it some more– or maybe we should wait, like... I don’t know. This is a lot and– “

“Stop talking.” Byul groans exasperatedly, pushing the palm of her hand against her lips. Her fingertips tremble against Yongsun’s face. “I’ve always fucking wanted you.”

Yongsun lowers her head and smiles abashedly, reaches out with her fingertips dancing on Byul’s cheeks and Byul closes her eyes briefly as she leans towards the touch.

Byul watches her as Yongsun leans back on the couch. Yongsun’s hair is messy, clothes mildly disheveled, and she looks up at her with so much affection and desire that it makes her breath hitch.

Byul’s hands travel up the sides of her body, hands still shaking, maybe from fear or pure anticipation. So Yongsun grips them, stilling her hands with interlocking fingers, and whispers with a new found realization, “it’s ok, we can have this. It’s supposed to be this way.”

Byul doesn’t even realize she’s held her breath. But she lets it all out in a quick exhale when Yongsun rests her head against her shoulder, face buried against her neck.  

When Byul finally reaches for her again, bringing their lips together, a tear rolls down her cheek, unable to contain all the things she was feeling. And Yongsun doesn’t see it, isn’t even aware of it until she feels the dampness against her own cheeks. Yongsun pulls away briefly for a breath, half caught up in a euphoria she didn’t know existed before tonight. But it’s ripped from her when she sees the tears, her heart dropping like lead, panic flowing through her.

“Oh my god.” Yongsun scrambles to sit up a little and holds Byul’s head between her hands. “ _No_. No. What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Her words are desperate. Fraught with insecurity.

“No. I'm not—it was just a lot. I’m fine, more than fine.” Byul clears her throat and lets out a quiet laugh. “Just hearing you say it– I...I'm ok Yong.” 

Byul’s response does nothing to calm her. Yongsun scrambles for words. Ones that she was too afraid to say earlier. Ones that she tried to substitute with a kiss, taking for granted how Byul always seem to just be able to read her.

She’d always treated Byul as her rock. Now fear grips at her, because for the first time in a while, Yongsun tried picturing losing her and she doesn’t know if she could ever pick up those pieces now. It didn’t matter that their world was complicated. It didn’t matter that they’d have to keep this secret. Because _they_ understand what this is.

“I let you think I didn’t want any of this at the beginning. I’m...sorry. I chose everything for the two of us and I’m sorry. I _know_ all this is just as hard for you as it is for me.” She breathes. She needs her to know this.

"I don’t know how to talk about how I feel. I don’t know how to say a lot of things I want. And I know a lot of the things I do doesn’t make sense, but I mean it. I want you.”

Byul stares back at her. “Yong…”

“I always assume you can just tell what I’m thinking. I know that isn’t always true...”

“Hey.” Byul grabs her hand. “It’s ok. You didn’t hurt me. I just…I needed to hear it I guess.” Byul smiles weakly. “I— I didn’t know I was holding it all. You…make me _feel_.”

Yongsun starts to calm, hesitating before asking almost inaudibly, “are _you_ sure about this?”

And Byul nods. Yongsun pauses for just a second but really she didn’t need any more than that because she knew. She knew with a certainty looking into her eyes, sees a playful glint slowly returning in Byul. And there’s a sense of surrender in both of them, like they’ve truly stopped fighting it this time. Because what’s the point. They were fucking made for each other.

 “Ok then. I intend to make you feel.” She flips Byul so she’s laying on her back across the couch and hovers over her, hands to either side her head. She bites her lower lip and her eyes darken. “Feel _a lot_ of things.” Byul just swallows looking up. Oh. Yeah. She was sure.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! That's a wrap. Hope this was enjoyable. Thanks to anyone who stuck with this story, it's my first fic so I was honestly fumbling along. I know some of you probably want the chapter that would come after the end LOL. But I really wanted this story to follow this theme. I'll go there with other fics in the future. I promise ;)


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